like a memory in motion you were only passing through

[threeplusfire]

I've spent the night with the stereo turned up loud on Concrete Blonde & Garbage, cleaning my bedroom. It was time to finally put away all those blankets and old clothes I don't wear anymore. In the process I found several cds, including the one I'm listening to now and my Lubos Malina cd I thought lost. I hung up my print of Madame X by Sargent, and it makes my room feel more like my own. finally hung up my calendars too. I took the one from my mother and put it at my desk at work, and the one from Melynda is at home.

Nine years since that other January 13th. That's a wild thought to have, nine whole years since that moment. I think about it less than I used to, and it's easier to talk about. Sometimes I still get worked up describing what happened that year, and I choke. For the most part though, I can talk about without breaking down. It seems less painful too, and that's interesting. Maybe I'm just getting old and jaded. It's alright though. Certainly I'm glad that I can look back on those years and feel the distance between who I am now and who I was then. Gods above, I was a horrid teenage girl in a lot of ways. It's okay though. I keep telling myself it's probably okay to be somewhat mortified by your sixteen year old self, and the crazy stupid scary things you did once upon a time.

Comments

[delchi.livejournal.com]

I am completely shocked and in some ways repulsed by my 16 year old self, and I've never fully come to terms with alot of it. There are many people who will explain to me the how and why of things that happened, and will even tell me that the things I said and did were directly reflective of my situation. It still doesn't make it haunt me any less.

[yukihime.livejournal.com]

I was a horrid teenage girl

No, you weren't. You were a good kid who had to deal with a lot of bad situations no kid your age should have to. Please don't be so hard on yourself. And just keep looking to your future.