three (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
threeplusfire) wrote2007-01-09 06:16 pm
threeplusfire) wrote2007-01-09 06:16 pm
the strange things that shame us
I'm disabling comments on this for a multitude of reasons. Mostly because I know many of you would probably want to congratulate me and I really don't think I could bear it with any grace whatsoever. Plus, you also can't make fun of me for my pretentious ways.
In late November/early December while I had my health scare and eight million blood tests, I quit smoking. I had already cut back pretty heavily and soon it was only three or four a day. Some of the medication I was prescribed during my health fiasco completely killed any desire for it. My doctor really laid into me about it, and the disapproval of my normally serene and handsome doctor was a blow. I stopped almost entirely in early December, with only a few to help me deal with disasters. My last ones were at Sarah's birthday party. that is really all the explanation I feel compelled to provide.
I've been too ashamed to actually say it publicly and I've avoided mentioning it on LJ. I love to smoke. I love to have a cigarette in my hand and wave it around while I'm talking. I love the camraderie of smokers. Smoking helped me learn to talk to people and deal with strangers. Smoking has helped me cope with some of the most awful moments of the past nine years. Smoking for me is an intense visceral pleasure, best accompanied by a cup of coffee or a cocktail. I feel like I've abandoned my people, forsaken my tribe. You may believe I am overly melodramatic on this score but I don't care.
There's nothing more annoying than a self righteous ex-smoker. I don't think I'll ever be one of those but I feel as if my smoking friends may view me with a certain frostiness. I still go outside to the smoking area at work but I'm an outsider now. I'm terribly sad. The upside is that the new tax has made it horribly expensive and I'm saving some money. (Well I guess the whole "healthy" thing is an upside but bah.)
I imagine from time to time I will still have one. I enjoy them too much to abandon the pleasure entirely. But it won't ever be quite the same. We're all dying anyway.
In late November/early December while I had my health scare and eight million blood tests, I quit smoking. I had already cut back pretty heavily and soon it was only three or four a day. Some of the medication I was prescribed during my health fiasco completely killed any desire for it. My doctor really laid into me about it, and the disapproval of my normally serene and handsome doctor was a blow. I stopped almost entirely in early December, with only a few to help me deal with disasters. My last ones were at Sarah's birthday party. that is really all the explanation I feel compelled to provide.
I've been too ashamed to actually say it publicly and I've avoided mentioning it on LJ. I love to smoke. I love to have a cigarette in my hand and wave it around while I'm talking. I love the camraderie of smokers. Smoking helped me learn to talk to people and deal with strangers. Smoking has helped me cope with some of the most awful moments of the past nine years. Smoking for me is an intense visceral pleasure, best accompanied by a cup of coffee or a cocktail. I feel like I've abandoned my people, forsaken my tribe. You may believe I am overly melodramatic on this score but I don't care.
There's nothing more annoying than a self righteous ex-smoker. I don't think I'll ever be one of those but I feel as if my smoking friends may view me with a certain frostiness. I still go outside to the smoking area at work but I'm an outsider now. I'm terribly sad. The upside is that the new tax has made it horribly expensive and I'm saving some money. (Well I guess the whole "healthy" thing is an upside but bah.)
I imagine from time to time I will still have one. I enjoy them too much to abandon the pleasure entirely. But it won't ever be quite the same. We're all dying anyway.