three (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
threeplusfire) wrote2009-11-27 11:52 pm
threeplusfire) wrote2009-11-27 11:52 pm
things are things
Things are.. things.
I haven't been writing here much. In part, I suspect this has a lot to do with how disconnected I feel from 90% of the world. The other part is that I don't think I am entirely okay and I know if I write very much this will quickly become apparent. The thought carries a lot of shame, because it seems like my ability to deal with things has just degraded from a few years ago.
Something probably contributing to all the mess is my inability to stick to any kind of schedule. I have a work schedule, five days a week where at 12pm or 4pm I need to log in to the servers and work. I never miss work, and it never takes me the entire shift to finish. But aside from that, I am incapable of doing anything on a regular basis. I keep making schedules that I never keep. I seem to be incapable of doing something more than two days in a row, whether it is exercising or taking my medication.
This is not something I've ever had a problem with before. This is not something I know how to fix. Ten years ago I worked forty hours and twelve hours of classes each week. My sense of responsibility has been in hyperdrive for years and I wonder if I just burned it out.
Working part time should leave me with plenty of hours every week to exercise and write. This was time I yearned for just a few years ago. Now? I am not doing anything. I don't know what the hell is wrong me. I've tried using my Google calendar and paper calendars and nothing is motivating me to keep any sort of schedule. I have a dozen pages of started stories that don't go anywhere. I have exercise equipment and DVDs and I can't make myself use them consistently.
Somehow I have to stop this weird slide in torpor. What is this? I never used to be like this.
I haven't been writing here much. In part, I suspect this has a lot to do with how disconnected I feel from 90% of the world. The other part is that I don't think I am entirely okay and I know if I write very much this will quickly become apparent. The thought carries a lot of shame, because it seems like my ability to deal with things has just degraded from a few years ago.
Something probably contributing to all the mess is my inability to stick to any kind of schedule. I have a work schedule, five days a week where at 12pm or 4pm I need to log in to the servers and work. I never miss work, and it never takes me the entire shift to finish. But aside from that, I am incapable of doing anything on a regular basis. I keep making schedules that I never keep. I seem to be incapable of doing something more than two days in a row, whether it is exercising or taking my medication.
This is not something I've ever had a problem with before. This is not something I know how to fix. Ten years ago I worked forty hours and twelve hours of classes each week. My sense of responsibility has been in hyperdrive for years and I wonder if I just burned it out.
Working part time should leave me with plenty of hours every week to exercise and write. This was time I yearned for just a few years ago. Now? I am not doing anything. I don't know what the hell is wrong me. I've tried using my Google calendar and paper calendars and nothing is motivating me to keep any sort of schedule. I have a dozen pages of started stories that don't go anywhere. I have exercise equipment and DVDs and I can't make myself use them consistently.
Somehow I have to stop this weird slide in torpor. What is this? I never used to be like this.
no subject
I know it's been years since we really chatted on aim, but I'm still here. Look for dreamfwd. Any time.
no subject
Maybe you should start thinking about a volunteer project or part time job outside the house? Maybe having something that you have to do outside will help you schedule your free time and stick to it better?
no subject
I can relate. This is pretty much my LJ right now. If you figure out a solution, please post it. I'm looking for one myself.