everything under the sun

My great grandmother died, very early this morning. Probably about the time I was coming home. My mother is sad and doesn't want to talk about it. I can only be grateful that she didn't have to stay very long in the hospital, that her end was painless and quiet.

It's hard to find something good to say about death, about my faith, when at the moment I just want to scream. Not something I can deal with easily, obviously.

I went and made my first confession today. Father Keith was kind and walked me through it, so I didn't have to feel so bad about not knowing what to do. I genuinely feel absolved at the moment. I felt God in Mass this evening, as close as the people around me in the pews. Closer perhaps.

I deliberately chose today of all days for my confession. It is my second birthday of sorts. Four years ago this day I tried to die, with a couple hundred pills and a can of coke. It is miraculous that I didn't. The ambulance slid on the ice, couldn't drive fast enough. I stopped breathing. They thought I was gone. Instead I spent a week in a coma, and no one knew what was going to happen to me, if I would wake up and still be able to think.

Miracle upon miracle, I did wake up. Somehow I survived everything that happened and here I am now. I'm twenty. I study Slavic Languages and Literature at the University of Texas. I have a fulltime job at a local tech company. I have my own car, my own apartment, my own bank account, some friends, my faith back after such a long absence. Not bad for being alive.

I'm a lucky girl.

Mushrooms

For Xiola, a recipie from Please To The Table, A Russian Cookbook by Anya von Bremzen and John Welchman.

Belarussian Mushroom Croquettes

4 slices bacon
1 medium onion, chopped
3 slices white bread, crusts removed
1/3 cup milk
5 tablespoons unsalted butter
10 ounces fresh porcini (cepes), chanterelle or white mushrooms
1 large clove garlic, minced
3 tablesppons finely chopped fresh parsely
1 large egg yolk, lightly beaten
1 1/2 tablespoons mayonnaise
Salt & pepper to taste
1/3 cup unflavored fine dry bread crumbs
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
Lemon wedges for garnish

1 In a large skillet, fry bacon until crisp. Drain on paper towels, then crumble and set aside. Add the onion to the bacon fat and saute over medium heat until golden, about 15 minutes. Set aside, wipe out the skillet.

2 Meanwhile, soak the bread in the milk for 10 minutes. Squeeze bread to remove any excess liquid and set aside.

3 In the same skillet, melt 3 tablespoons butter over medium heat. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring until they begin to throw off their liquid. Turn the heat up to high and continue to cook and stir the mushrooms until they reabsorb all the liquid and are nicely browned. 12-15 minutes.

4 Place the mushrooms and onion on a cutting board and allow them to cool slightly. Then finely mince them.

5 In a bowl, combine the mushrooms and onion with the bacon, bread, garlic, parsley, egg yolk, mayonnaise, and salt and pepper to taste. Mix thoroughly and form into 8 oval croquettes. Roll the croquettes in the bread crumbs.

6 Heat the oil and remaining 2 tablespoons of butter un a large skillet over medium-high heat until they sizzle. Fry croquettes until golden brown on all sides, 5 to 7 minutes. Serve warm, accompanied with lemon wedges.