I worry

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
Cause it's no good...

That song. I quote it a lot to myself it seems. It must say something to me. Perhaps about how I like for things to be understood and unspoken. There is more to it. But we aren't going there now. It's late and it's not good to start trying to think about it now. It only ends badly this way.
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Not as care free a day as I might have wished for, but such things can't be helped.

Worried about Karen who is taking this all very hard. It makes me so sad to see her so upset over this jerk. After hearing some of his offered reasons for breaking up, I dislike him even more. Not emotionally ready for the relationship. Ready enough to have sex, but not for the relationship? Um. That's so backwards. Ugh. She tried to defend it, saying they didn't have sex all the time. Regardless of how often you do it, sex is a big thing in a relationship. It has enormous emotional and sometimes physical consequences for many people. It's an act that despite our efforts has potential to create life.

For some people, I suppose, sex is nothing. It can be nothing. But mostly that stance is a chosen one.

I've been thinking a lot today, and my head hurts from it all. Unpleasantness. Frustration. Many things I'm angry about, but I don't know if there is anyway it can be resolved or put to rest. I have the feeling that if I say anything, it will be worse.

School starts soon.

cause it's no good...

especially if I know you well and you read this

Originally a response to someone else's post, reproduced here for my benefit and possibly others.
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I have the feeling that my roommate reads my journal, and perhaps another person or two from my life. I know of at least three people who definitely do. That is a bit unnerving, because now when I write about my friends I find myself wondering if I should censor myself. I do not like that.

Granted, my journal is online for the world to read if they happen to have a net connection. It's not so much that I mind my friends reading. I dread the day when someone gets upset with me for writing about them or some situation in my journal. The more unpleasant possibility is someone reading who takes great offense to something I have written about them, something I probably won't say flat out for whatever reason.

This is my journal. This is where I write things out of my head. This space may be on a server and available to most people with a modem, but it is my writing. My writing is for me, and it will be whatever I choose it to be. If someone was truly bothered, I would be willing to change names. But I'm not going to stop writing or censor myself in my own head.

To any of my friends and loved ones reading this right now: you are free to read my journal. But know that these are my thoughts, and you have been warned. If you don't want to know, don't read.

will I always be here?

Weird dreams, so common they should just be consigned to the normal dream bin. Woke up to jungle bass through my wall, and it was like living with my sister all over again for a few seconds. Not the best way to start the day. A trigger to intensify the uneasy feeling in the back of my mind. Just not right. Not at all.

in your room
where souls disappear
only you exist here

I know exactly what is bothering me right now. Yet nothing can be done about it.

wrapped in plastic it's fantastic

Found a box of free cassette singles in the break room today. I got some Roxette, Annie Lennox, Cracker, and a few other nifty little things. Free pizza at work today too, which was good because I forgot to each lunch.

Listening to Aqua's "Barbie Girl" on repeat, another single I took home. Hoping it's goofiness will keep me from sinking back into brooding. I avoided it all day at work, thanks to the moderate physical labour of maintaining the photography section and the massive number of customers at the register this evening.

Kinda want to go out, do something. I should probably just stay home and sleep. Restless though. No clue where my roommates are tonight, or most of the folks I know. The others are on AIM.

I remember Kevin once telling me that his youngest brother was listening to this song all the time around this house. Should call him tomorrow when I get off work.

My feet don't hurt too much from the work. My back is tight, but that's tension and stifled emotion more than anything else. The muscle in my right should is twisted and on fire again.