the pain of waking up

Nightmares, nightmares. A horrible empty world, someone who pierced my lip and tugged on it til it bled. Woken up by the phone.

After getting rid of an unwelcome early caller, I called my mom. I've been excited for the whole week about seeing my grandparents on Monday. I miss them, I wish they still lived in Texas.

Last night I read this beautiful card about how my grandmother was looking forward to visiting. Today I learn they won't be coming. Seems my grandmother is sicker still, losing sensation in her feet and legs, and the doctor doesn't want her to travel. Lst she year was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes.

This morbid fear of mine- that since Grandpa died right when I started college, Granny won't live to see me start grad school. That no one will live to see me get married or grow up.

I'm crushed, and I'm scared. I have all these presents waiting for them. My two days off work are empty now. I just... I don't know.

God.

driving down those roads

Since Karen and Kirk were sitting in the living room watching football, I couldn't deal with anything here. Spent most of my day driving up and down the highways and two lane roads out into the Hill Country. Smoking and listening to cds and wondering how we got to where we are.

I want to talk to someone but I don't know how to open up. I think I'm losing the ability to do it.

Tired of the stop lights on 360, I wandered through the mall out there for awhile. Bought a shirt with David Bowie on it. My grandmother sent me money for new school clothes. We used to go shopping every year in the summer, new school clothes for all the grandchildren. My grandmother merrily using my grandfather's credit cards int he department stores, taking us to the double deck merry-go-round.

My feet ache now. On the way home, picked up groceries. The apartment is blessedly empty, so I will write and read and cook myself some dinner. I got some watermelon, a bit of salmon and some hazelnut gelatto.