(no subject)

Again with the nightmares. That is several days in a row now. Last night I dreamed that a friend of mine died on her wedding day, immolated during the ceremony. Later in the dream I was talking to Michael, my high school boyfriend who dropped out of college despite being a pretty smart cookie. There was such a feeling of doom and despair. Getting up in the mornings is hard.

Yesterday was my last day of work, and it was the slowest day of all. I straightened my sections, to pass them off in good working order to my coworkers. After mon ths of working, a copy of Cyteen finally slid across the buy counter. Also picked up a neat book of paper dragon mobiles, and a copy of Armitage III, one of my favorite anime movies.

Stayed up til the early hours playing cards. Going to see my grandparents again today.

(no subject)

Shaking off that dread feeling. Spent my morning crouched on the sofa, wrapped in an old sheet and the blue crystal rosary my grandmother gave me on Sunday. The sheet is a relic of my childhood, worn thin from the years. It's a pattern of zebras and antelope and elephants on the African plain, from the first bed that was truly mine. When we moved to Austin in '87, my parents got me a waterbed that I loved above all else. Squishy and soft, warm or cool, it was the best bed. I miss the smell of the plastic and the gentle sway at night when I rocked myself to sleep.

Armoring myself in the nice bra, the jeans and the shoes with traction for running away. I'm going out now.

indeed

Spent my afternoon with my grandparents. My grandfather is helping my mom around the house, painting and working on the yard. They bought lots of new bookcases and mirrors and things. My grandmother and I went shopping, and I now own more clothes than I know what to do with. Lots of comfy shirts, some new black pants, new bras and a new pair of Docs for clomping around on cobblestones.

Trying on clothes is never a good experience. I am forced to acknowledge the ugliness that is my lower half. One would think the horror with which I regard my legs would inspire me to exercise more. I should.