notes to myself

I threw away my future when I was sixteen. I have thrown away my future so many times, I can't count it anymore. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to crash the car than to live with the weight of so many choices. I go on, though, living this life and making decisions. I live for that instant when I stand on the still point of the turning world, and feel everything else drop away, and I'm a breath away from the infinite. All these lives, all these choices, all the voices and ghosts in my head. I feel very different now, than I did not so long ago. As if somehow I am coming into something more my own, and these choices are less the elimination of worlds than cobblestones under my feet.

In a house where regret is a carousel ride, we are spinning and spinning and spinning...

I thought about this during the hour I spent driving down the highway, thinking and listening to music. I have an absurd conviction that sometimes the radio speaks directly to me, that sometimes when I flip it on between cds that I was meant to hear that particular song. It was like that today.