reflections in the sky

Yes. It is five in the bloody morning and I am still awake.

Sam and I drank the tiny bottle of becherovka in the impromptu party in the apartment. He shared the brandy in his flask, and I chased it down with mint tea. Melynda and Nick played the longest, most insane Monopoly game I've ever seen. We were screaming for it to end. Anthony and Gene talked about quantum mechanics and physics on the porch. I've been watching James play Baldur's Gate since about 2am. Anthony and I talked about games for hours, and decided that Blizzard is the coolest game company, because we're still playing Starcraft. Anthony, James and I take breaks to smoke outside the front door, in the freezing cold. Gene and Melynda went to be long ago. Nick and Sam have fallen asleep on the couches, and I'm going to go sleep at my mother's house. By the time I get there, she will probably be going to work. Some time ago, we turned out the lights, and I'm typing in the dark.

There is a madness in my head, a voice that has been looking for a name for many years. He's got one now, and it worries me sometimes, just to see how much of this is myself. But we talk, and it is alright. The voices of your stories, they grow in your head sometimes until you feel as if they might step out and take phsyical form, like Athena. Fully fleshed, as real as you are. Right now, I do not think I would mind. The company would be nice. I think we might get along, such as it is.

I'm in love, and there is nothing to do about it. What a strange, strange realization. I always thought that you had to do something, once you were in love.

It is five on a Friday morning, and there is no other place I would rather be than here.

(no subject)

My mother was preparing to leave for work when I arrived back at the house. She was startled to see me, I think, but relieved I was not fleeing some great peril and so let me sleep. Uninterrupted til almost one this afternoon, dreaming of pale hands and places very far away.

I wrapped Christmas gifts, and wrote a card to Hana. I'm babysitting Christopher and Patrick this evening. They request me the most, because I bring the laptop along. Tonight I'm going to teach them Starcraft I think. They're cute boys, and the first ones I think I've ever really liked. My attitude towards children has mellowed quite a bit these days. Probably due to Hana and Cate's boys.

I'm happy this afternoon. Even though I'm spending the last of my money on my cell phone bill, cigarettes and Christmas gifts. I have some friends, you know, and my laptop, and I suppose that is all I really want right at this moment.

(no subject)

I love driving home from Hana's house, on the dark winding 360 highway.

The boys were incredibly well behaved. They didn't fall down and try to kill each other even once. We played Heroes of Might & Magic II, and Starcraft. Christopher was most interested in Starcraft, and reminded me several times to tell his parents what a good present it would make. They went to bed without any fuss, and I read a little while on the couch. Hana has the most beautiful home, with wood floors, and stone tiles in the bathroom. The walls are pale yellow, with some darker accents, and the whole thing is just decorated with such style. Hard to say what it is, but definitely Hana.

She loved her Christmas card, and the Czech soap I saved for her. Her eyes were bright, and she told me once that she had saved every card I had ever given her. How many professors save the things you give them? I am so deeply grateful for her presence in my life, all the lessons and time she's given me.

Hana gave me a beautiful golden Christmas ornament from the Czech Republic, a fragile confection decorated with white and silvery sparkling bits. One of my first Christmas ornaments of my own.

There's a party again in our living room now, people drinking beer, the stereo going, pizza and gaming and conversations. It feels good. Something like normal, something like happiness.

I finished my Christmas shopping today. There's a box that needs to be packed up and sent to New York to three beautiful women.