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state of the journal
Oct. 3rd, 2004 08:17 pmThe longer I'm here, the more conscious I am of my audience, such as it is. I know some of my family reads my LJ (Hi Tricia! Hi Grandad!) and I suspect more of them do too. (Hi Dad, if you're here.)
What I write about here, how public I make it, who I let see the most difficult entries... I struggle with this every single day. There are a lot of things I feel should be private, things I want to talk about, things I'm not comfortable sharing, and the ever present struggle to balance the privacy of others within my own story. There aren't hard and fast rules for this sort of thing; there aren't rules at all. It's a judgement call every time I open the update client.
Some of the people who read my LJ are present in my life in the waking world, and some of them aren't. Some of them know more about what goes on because they see me, they hear me. Some of them don't know any more than what I put down here. I gave this journal's address to my therapist, because it is at least a record of so many events of the past few years. How much it really says about who I am, I couldn't tell you. But it is here and it at least marks the passage of time. Sometimes reading the oldest entries makes me cringe. I'm sure in a year or two even reading these will have the same effect. We get older, we change, and we wonder how we ever said or did that thing.
I'm in therapy, for the first time by personal choice and not someone else's mandate. If nothing else, it makes me think more about myself and things I tend to avoid. I'm making a huge effort, and not always suceeding with therapy. I remain hopeful that it will make a difference, but one never knows with this sort of thing.
There's a lot going on in my life right now, and not all of it I want to talk about. I'm not writing that here to worry anyone unduly, just as an effort to be more honest with myself and my life. That said, things are happening and the world is changing. It's not okay at this moment, but it will be. That's all I have to say right now.
What I write about here, how public I make it, who I let see the most difficult entries... I struggle with this every single day. There are a lot of things I feel should be private, things I want to talk about, things I'm not comfortable sharing, and the ever present struggle to balance the privacy of others within my own story. There aren't hard and fast rules for this sort of thing; there aren't rules at all. It's a judgement call every time I open the update client.
Some of the people who read my LJ are present in my life in the waking world, and some of them aren't. Some of them know more about what goes on because they see me, they hear me. Some of them don't know any more than what I put down here. I gave this journal's address to my therapist, because it is at least a record of so many events of the past few years. How much it really says about who I am, I couldn't tell you. But it is here and it at least marks the passage of time. Sometimes reading the oldest entries makes me cringe. I'm sure in a year or two even reading these will have the same effect. We get older, we change, and we wonder how we ever said or did that thing.
I'm in therapy, for the first time by personal choice and not someone else's mandate. If nothing else, it makes me think more about myself and things I tend to avoid. I'm making a huge effort, and not always suceeding with therapy. I remain hopeful that it will make a difference, but one never knows with this sort of thing.
There's a lot going on in my life right now, and not all of it I want to talk about. I'm not writing that here to worry anyone unduly, just as an effort to be more honest with myself and my life. That said, things are happening and the world is changing. It's not okay at this moment, but it will be. That's all I have to say right now.