(no subject)

Blanket raffle ends Friday

Last night, I dreamed of Easter Island heads and muddy water. At least that was less stressful than some other dreams I've been having recently. I've never had nightmares repeat themselves before. I hope it stops soon.

Work has been very busy and stressful. At night I hardly want to do anything other than crawl into the bad tub and soak there for an hour. Still haven't fixed the problem with the laptop. I should do that. Being without my computer and internet outside of work makes me anxious and irritable. It is unfortunate.

I think in two weeks we have the big Firefly at the Drafthouse. I need to check on that.

Damn it, I'm exhausted and I haven't done anything. I hurt from head down my spine to my hips. Probably from not sleeping well.

At least I got the license plates put on my car.

we are all innocent, we are, we are

I have to write about this, because it has been on my mind for the past two days. It involves my job, and it involves death, and it may not be something everyone wants to read. I have left identifying details out.

----------

In May I took a call about a family. There were lots of kids in the home, five or six. The oldest was about 14 and the youngest was just four months old. There were concerns about the home environment being dirty and very unsanitary for the children. One of the children had a broken bone but we didn't know how that injury happened. There were concerns about who was supervising the kids. The parents were working overnight jobs and left the kids in the care of the teenager, who seemed overwhelmed by the responsibility. Sometimes the kids were playing in the street, or out late into the night. No one seemed to be watching them.

It was worrisome, especially given the very young children involved. But we didn't know if they had any illnesses, if they got sick eating rotten food, if they had sores or injuries. We didn't even know much about this alleged hand injury, which kid had it or how exactly it happened. I staffed that call with a supervisor to ask what kind of priority I should put on the report. A Priority 1 means someone goes out today. A Priority 2 means someone goes out in the next seven to ten days.

Often when there are very young kids, we slap P1s on the reports because the children are especially vulnerable. But priorities are not a hard and fast rule. There is so much grey to our work, so many factors to consider. So I staffed it to get the supervisor's opinion. The supervisor said P2 and that is what I did. Since we didn't know about injuries or just how overwhelmed the teenager was, it made sense. So the case went to the field and was assigned to a worker.

Ten days later it was my birthday. Ten days later the worker had not gone to see the family. Ten days later and the youngest child in the family died. All in the space of ten days from that call.

The death was ruled accidental. But every child death is reviewed by a team, and they send their findings and recommendations back to the field offices and to us. The team stated that I should have made the initial report a P1. My report was reviewed, as well as the audio tape of the call. Ultimately, it was decided that I put the correct priority on the report and they agreed with the staffing supervisor's assessment to make it a P2.

In my heart I know it wasn't my fault that the little boy died. I could not have known. Should I have known? Should I have done something differently? Should I have argued more for a higher priority? What if, what if, what if... I know better than to think about what ifs. But in the end, a boy we could have saved died. He died on my birthday, and I can't help but ache for that.

It makes me think very hard before I push that button, every time I send something out. It makes me think a lot about the lives that hang in the balance.