what shirt?

They were mostly in the sale rack, I swear. I just bought a bunch of shirts online. Hooray for the store credit card. I have been putting this off for months, but the weather is changing and I just have to do it. I've been living with the same ten or twelve shirts ever since the insanity of the divorce. I've lost some weight, so a lot of them don't quite fit right. I've finally started to care a little bit about how I'm dressed, so I might as well.

It occured to me while I debated the expense, that for so long I have just lived without all kinds of things. I just never get them, never think to buy them for myself. I think that's left over from the lean years where I was always worried about the car breaking down, tuition, books, whatever random disaster might befall me. So I might as well get some damn shirts because $100 isn't going to kill me. Plus, I won't have to buy any again for awhile.

Would the universe please stop waking me up an hour early every day? It's weird.

I'm taking a lot weekend this week, just for the hell of it. For some miraculous reason, no one was scheduled off on this saturday so I snatched it up. The plan is to do some housecleaning, all that drudgery that doesn't get done on a weekly basis. Scrubbing type cleaning. I really need to clean up this desk, because it is just piled with stuff. We have also come to the conclusion that this oven is the biggest piece of crap cheap oven ever. I need to sit down with the probe and figure out how hot it is running so I can compensate every stupid time. Thank god the brownies appeared to finally settle up. They are very fudgy and sticky in the center, but then most brownies are and this recipe was definitly geared towards a more fudge like brownie.

Easy coffee glaze! Take a heaping tablespoon of butter, and mix with a tablespoon of vanilla and 1/4 cup of coffee liqueur. Whisk until well blended. Then gradually whisk in 1 & 1/4 cups of powdered sugar. It makes a good liquid glaze that will settle up. Very tasty.

Possibly I have found the most hilarious and evil gift for Tyler. However, their site is not set up for gift options and I am vexed. Hmmm. Curse you, internet and your evil ways.

the age of reason

"My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's."
- Oscar Wilde

Delightful quote, and one that I think should be mine. It's true. I'd much rather hear about other people's problems. It's why I'm good at my job - I'm thoroughly willing to be inquisitive.

I don't think you've ever been in hell until you've heard a seven year old break into tears and say it was her fault she was sexually abused. I won't quote her statement but it was something that would just never, ever be part of the vocabulary of any seven year old child. That business was shocking in a way sometimes the graphic details don't even touch. Just knowing that a seven year old had internalized that idea that we are responsible for abuse inflicted on us, that women are weaker lesser creatures and Daddy's word is law, that it was her fault her father did hideous things to her surprised me.

Perhaps it is more understandable from a teenage girl, or an adult woman. They've been exposed to more, they've been part of worlds and lives where that sort of lie is branded the truth. It makes more sense objectively for a teenager to blame herself for a sexual assault because of the inherrent chaos of just being a teenage girl. So many of us even as adults carry these ideas still, sometimes despite our best efforts at therapy and self reflection. I can't imagine that there are many people who live through some form of abuse and don't have that terrible moment where they wonder if it is their fault. I've had that moment myself, wondering if I was so messed up that I really did deserve it. But seven? Seven may still be considered the age of reason but it is far too young to even have to think about such a thing.

There are days when I wonder if even this job is enough. There are days when I think about the deep seated demons in our culture and our lives; I have to wonder if anything I do would ever be enough. Someone has to do something, I think. Maybe one day I'll write policy for this department. Maybe one day I'll run the bureau of sterilizations and sign in a law as governor that sets forth the death penalty for sex offenders who target children. I couldn't say at this point in time. I'll just keep going to work in the meanwhile and try to do something with what I can.