is this what you imagined?

Murdoch's taking Myspace to China. Scary. That will clog up the intertubes for sure. I'm curious to see how they think that will play out, because the social networking market in China is very crowded. (In case you've ever wondered, that is Murdoch's son James in the icon. It was a press conference photo where he just looked so incredibly sinister. Otherwise he is pretty ordinary.)

Work procedes, as it always does. For all that I make horrible jokes and have a ghoulish store of stories to tell, there are still things that make me cry. I was telling Mike about a case I had with a sixteen year old who was battered half to death in front of her kids by the husband more than twice her age. When I talked to the ADA about it, we were so matter of fact about what needed to be done. (Since she was legally married, her case was out CPS jurisdiction.) But when I told the story and talked about the factors of such situations I could feel myself on the verge of tears. It is hard to stop caring about people, even when you hate it.

Speaking of Mike, I have known him for five months. Five months without an argument that ends with me throwing something breakable is a pretty good record me. (Though I don't think I ever threw anything at Rach, come to think of it. Good thing too, as I imagine she would have killed me.) I sometimes wonder if he is going to vanish, stop talking to me, or something. Mostly I know that's just me being defensive and I need to get over that. But I invested a lot of effort into protecting myself and it is scary to be vulnerable again, in a position where I have something it would hurt to lose. I wasn't looking for anything when I met him. I used to drive home at night and tell myself it was going to be the last time, that he would call tomorrow and end things. I don't do that anymore.

Recently I changed the title of my journal. I've called it "Only This Life" for several years now, and the subtitle "all we are is all so far" is a quote from an Our Lady Peace song that seemed applicable. The new title comes from this song, on repeat on my ipod lately. I love it. Something about the acoustic guitars and the cadence is brilliant. But the real thing is that I think a lot about the blind pathways ahead, the choices I can't see yet. I like the image, and it makes more sense now than it would have when I was nineteen. I didn't think it would ever matter. But you know, getting older makes me more introspective than I used to be. Anyway, here is the song.

"No It Isn't" by +44

She's a pretty girl
she's always falling down and I think I just fell in love with her
but she won't ever remember, remember
I can always find her
at the bottom of a plastic cup
drowning in drunk sincerity
A sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out,
quit crying your eyes out and baby come on
Isn't there something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out baby

She said
I think we're running out of alcohol, tonight I hate this fucking town
and all my best friends will be the death of me
they won't ever remember, remember
Please take me far away
before I melt into the ground
and all my words get used against me
A sad and lonely girl

Quit crying your eyes out,
quit crying your eyes out and baby come on
Isn't something familiar about me?
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out baby