everything shifts in dream portals

I had dreams where one action would change everything. I kept waiting for a paradox to cause it all to explode. Things were violent and strange. I think the part I liked the most was opening a portal to a strange reality, an unreal one, full of big blue sea and a sailboat. Someone followed me through, and I tossed her into another portal which made her cease to exist. Strange, strange, strange. I would enter houses to discover all the doors were different.

I finally watched this week's Project Runway. I cannot believe they kept that terrible, terrible Kenley. I was hoping LL Cool J would laugh at her. Or maybe that Tim Gunn would slap her.

I should be doing chores, but am unmotivated. Full of lazy. Plus my DVR is full of the aborted season of The Kindred, which the Sci-Fi channel keeps running at random.

another dispatch from tacky shopping nightmares

I think these posts will be a regular feature of my Livejournal. Their entertainment and probative value is incalculable. If I can save just *one* person from buying any of these hideous items, it will be worth while!

First however, I must provide you with a sample of a hotel review that made me laugh uncontrollably. The hotel in question is the Saint Anderson, in Saint Petersburg, Russia. Notice Saint Petersburg, Russia. The review of the hotel was largely positive but ended with this gem:

One thing you aren't told is that everything is in the Russian script. Of course. The maps and guide books we had were not. So when you go down the underground to get to Nevski Prospect you can't tell which is the correct stop because Nevski Prospect is written in Russian.

Horrors, poodles! This could not be true! The signs were all in RUSSIAN! In RUSSIA of all places!! I could not make this stuff up, people. Believe me I wish I could.

Moving on to items of dubious and often terrifying origin:

Everyone needs some fake diamond Hello Kitty jewelry in their wardrobe. What else do you wear to the mall to show the teenagers you've finally arrived?

This bangle bracelet isn't overly hideous if that is something you enjoy. A reviewer who purchased another bangle as well commented:

Both bangles were very pretty but they kept sliding around my wrist The clasp opened on this one, too, and I almost lost it in my "friend's driveway".

Why the quotation marks? Is "friend's driveway" some baroque new euphemism for fisting?

Moving on from QVC to Cabela's, I present a product that must surely be on someone's Christmas wish list: a fanny pack concealed handgun holster! Because nothing says manly and stylish like pulling your trusted .38 out of your fanny pack! It even comes with a quick access lanyard! Now if only it came in other colors...

When wandering the wild, it is important to protect yourself from snake bites by wearing these stylish Snake Chapz, for those Leaping Lower Mississipi Disco King Snakes. Apparently they don't bite in the groin or buttocks, so you are free to let it all hang out in the breeze.

Finally, I give you a product notable for its completely awesome name: Deer Herd In A Stick. Not to be confused with Deer Herd On A Stick found at the county fair. Use appropriately.