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the sun makes us all a little mad
Jun. 17th, 2014 01:57 pmSometimes if you turn something over in your head long enough, it starts to make sense.
I hate sunsets. I hate the whole long process of the sun going down. It makes me think of death, makes me feel anxious and restless like I need to punch a wall or run or scream. I haven't quite found the start of it in my memory but it has been a thing for me for a long time. Most of my life most likely. It is an end, an irrevocable end that nothing will stop.
This is so much worse in the summer. You can feel the sun start sliding around 5pm, and then it doesn't finish until nearly 9pm. So hours of that changing, thick light and the grinding, painful feeling in the back of my head. But thinking about this over the past week, I finally connected it with my inevitable sense of depression in the summer. I think it is enduring those hours every day for months makes me a little more crazy than usual. When the world shifts and sunset isn't dragged out for hours I will have some relief.
There is some evidence in my family carries a strong risk for Parkinson's/dementia. I dread it. If that happens I have no doubt I'll be a sundowner who gets so much worse in the evening.
Sunrises don't provoke this feeling in me. I love the light between 10am and 2pm most. I'm actually really glad we are taking our All American Beach Vacation in Florida, because I'll be able to get up and watch the light come up over the ocean. I can skip the sunsets just fine.
I hate sunsets. I hate the whole long process of the sun going down. It makes me think of death, makes me feel anxious and restless like I need to punch a wall or run or scream. I haven't quite found the start of it in my memory but it has been a thing for me for a long time. Most of my life most likely. It is an end, an irrevocable end that nothing will stop.
This is so much worse in the summer. You can feel the sun start sliding around 5pm, and then it doesn't finish until nearly 9pm. So hours of that changing, thick light and the grinding, painful feeling in the back of my head. But thinking about this over the past week, I finally connected it with my inevitable sense of depression in the summer. I think it is enduring those hours every day for months makes me a little more crazy than usual. When the world shifts and sunset isn't dragged out for hours I will have some relief.
There is some evidence in my family carries a strong risk for Parkinson's/dementia. I dread it. If that happens I have no doubt I'll be a sundowner who gets so much worse in the evening.
Sunrises don't provoke this feeling in me. I love the light between 10am and 2pm most. I'm actually really glad we are taking our All American Beach Vacation in Florida, because I'll be able to get up and watch the light come up over the ocean. I can skip the sunsets just fine.