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this body in flux
Aug. 5th, 2017 02:47 pmI've started trying to work out more, and longer. Rather than an hour every other day, I do one and a half hours, or two if I'm feeling motivated. I am trying to go two days on, one day off. It basically doubles my time - from three to four hours a week to six to eight. I am trying to ramp it up so I don't burn out or hurt myself.
This comes in large part because my cholesterol numbers were up some over the past year. Though just how much they're reliably up is questionable - two doctors looked at the same blood tests and had very different comments for me. One basically lectured me about how unhealthy it is for me to be fat as if I was somehow unaware of my weight, and how I really should just be doing cardio and losing this weight. The other simply said the year to year numbers were not unusual, still reasonable and maybe I'd like to take some B vitamins? Also that while cutting out fast food was great overall, I should look at how much sugar I ingest and try to level that down a bit to help those triglycerides. They were very different appointments.
While I am doing some intense cardio, I continue to also do circuits on the weights. I can lift things I would never have lifted before. It's probably not spectacular in the grand scheme of things, but I can lift 75lbs over my head and the novelty of that is still pretty great for me. (My long term goal is to basically double that.) My progress is slow, but steady.
I am still fat. I'm five foot four and I weigh 254lbs. I'm writing that because I don't want to be ashamed of this, and it's not like people cannot plainly see I am heavier than other people. But there is muscle underneath that fat, that I've never experienced before. Sometimes I touch my arms and marvel at how different it feels. I can see the shift in the back of my forearms when I clench my fists for the first time in my life. I did 75 push-ups today. If you had told 15 year old me I would ever be able to do more than 10, or even the me of last year, I would have scoffed.
My body changed pretty significantly when I started taking testosterone. A lot of weight shifted from my hips and my thighs to my torso. My hip to waist ratio changed pretty significantly, and my hips are about ten inches less than they were before.
That said, I do not pass often. Yesterday was the first time a grocery store clerk called me sir. It's weird. I have trouble figuring out exactly what it is. I don't correct a lot of strangers, because what is the likelihood of seeing that exact same HEB cashier again? And I genuinely don't want to embarrass some service worker just trying to get through the day. I try not to think of the potential for violence from strangers that comes with this territory, though that is certainly more on my mind lately.
The places I pass the most are the Alamo, and eating out with Mike. These days, servers ask if we want separate checks which never used to happen. It's the little things. Also I have a fondness for the terrible food of Taco Bell because the drive through people consistently call me sir. It was one of my few regrets about giving up fast food.
Sure, I would like to lose 20lbs because that's the American dream these days. I'd like for it to be a little easier to buy pants and shorts, a tiny bit more comfortable in an airplane seat. I'd like to not feel dismayed when I see pictures of myself. But really, for the most part it's better.
This comes in large part because my cholesterol numbers were up some over the past year. Though just how much they're reliably up is questionable - two doctors looked at the same blood tests and had very different comments for me. One basically lectured me about how unhealthy it is for me to be fat as if I was somehow unaware of my weight, and how I really should just be doing cardio and losing this weight. The other simply said the year to year numbers were not unusual, still reasonable and maybe I'd like to take some B vitamins? Also that while cutting out fast food was great overall, I should look at how much sugar I ingest and try to level that down a bit to help those triglycerides. They were very different appointments.
While I am doing some intense cardio, I continue to also do circuits on the weights. I can lift things I would never have lifted before. It's probably not spectacular in the grand scheme of things, but I can lift 75lbs over my head and the novelty of that is still pretty great for me. (My long term goal is to basically double that.) My progress is slow, but steady.
I am still fat. I'm five foot four and I weigh 254lbs. I'm writing that because I don't want to be ashamed of this, and it's not like people cannot plainly see I am heavier than other people. But there is muscle underneath that fat, that I've never experienced before. Sometimes I touch my arms and marvel at how different it feels. I can see the shift in the back of my forearms when I clench my fists for the first time in my life. I did 75 push-ups today. If you had told 15 year old me I would ever be able to do more than 10, or even the me of last year, I would have scoffed.
My body changed pretty significantly when I started taking testosterone. A lot of weight shifted from my hips and my thighs to my torso. My hip to waist ratio changed pretty significantly, and my hips are about ten inches less than they were before.
That said, I do not pass often. Yesterday was the first time a grocery store clerk called me sir. It's weird. I have trouble figuring out exactly what it is. I don't correct a lot of strangers, because what is the likelihood of seeing that exact same HEB cashier again? And I genuinely don't want to embarrass some service worker just trying to get through the day. I try not to think of the potential for violence from strangers that comes with this territory, though that is certainly more on my mind lately.
The places I pass the most are the Alamo, and eating out with Mike. These days, servers ask if we want separate checks which never used to happen. It's the little things. Also I have a fondness for the terrible food of Taco Bell because the drive through people consistently call me sir. It was one of my few regrets about giving up fast food.
Sure, I would like to lose 20lbs because that's the American dream these days. I'd like for it to be a little easier to buy pants and shorts, a tiny bit more comfortable in an airplane seat. I'd like to not feel dismayed when I see pictures of myself. But really, for the most part it's better.