threeplusfire | goodbye dad

I tried to speak to my father this afternoon. I ignored one of my most important rules: never assume anyone is rational. God. I tried to very calmly explain my position to him, but it all exploded in my face. He started yelling about how immature I am, how I can't handle the real world, etc, etc.

Well fuck you. Fuck you. You don't know a damn thing about my life for the past couple of years. I started with nothing, being thrown out of the house. I worked a full time job in the middle of the night for two years and put myself through college with good grades all by myself. You didn't give me a damn thing, financial, emotional or otherwise. You don't know anything about me Dad. I thought we had a relationship that you cared about, but it just seems I'm one more uppity female in your life. No, I will not let it just roll off me. I don't have to listen to your rage.

Fuck you. How can you say these things to me? I should be proud. I've survived more than most people ever have to deal with. I came from a coma in the ICU, barely alive, to where I am now. I am a senior, with a high GPA, about to go on a prestigious summer program at one of the oldest universities in the world. I have a car, and I pay my bills on time each month. In four years I moved so far, and no one can take that away from me. I can deal, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. I am not afraid anymore.

I'm so angry and so hurt. I never expected my father of all people in my immediate family to turn on me like this. It's obvious I can't continue speaking to him for the time being. *sigh* My family has just crumbled in the space of a few months.

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My dear Amanda, this too will pass. I went through similar painful times with my father. The circumstances were different and I was older, but it ended with him telling me that nothing I had ever done was worth a shit. It was a horrible experience, having this man who was the center of my universe from the time I was a little girl tell me that I could never be good enough. The profound truth of that struck me and, oddly enough, I realized that he was right. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did--he would never think I was "good enough." I shed a cloak made from mountains when I realized how pointless it was to try to please him. We have made our peace with one another after several years of uneasiness, and I never worried again about what he thought of me...which gave me more time to figure out what I thought of myself. You are wonderful. Have no doubt of that.

Sorry to hear about the friction, but it happens to many of us; it happened to me. You should be proud. You have accomplished a lot (and, of course, you don't need anyone - least of all me - to repeat that to you).

You going to stay connected to LJ from Prague?

Cheers...

Thanks Cate. I try.
Cloak made of mountains indeed... that image fits so well.

Well, that may be a bit tricky. I might be able to steal my professor's laptop from time to time, or find an unattended computer somewhere. But perhaps I can mail my entries to the states and have someone post them for me. Ha! That would be downright hilarious now that I consider it, and I just might do that.

Of course, miracles could happen and I might somehow come into possession of that Toshiba laptop I covet and write ten entries a day. :) I might be a little busy hanging out in Russian Mafia salons and chasing my friend Lisa through Prague nightlife.

Keep your eye out for Internet cafes. They tend to be a popular item in for former Eastern Block nations.

Cheers...

goodbye dad

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