you say it isn't right

[threeplusfire]

Sometimes you just go through these moods. They pass like thunderstorms here.

I had a bit of validation this morning, and it made me feel less like I'm crazy. I knew it, I just knew, but I had no way to prove that Alan was screwing around behind my back even before his spectacular overdose. Something came up today to show me the truth of all of it, and I just had to laugh. He would tell me I was the crazy one, and he lied to my face. Oh these things. It still stings some, but I'm over it. Those wounds are as deep as they will ever be, and I won't go back.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Alan's new girlfriend. He acted like it was something to hide, and I remember that fierce denial a couple months ago that "there is no new girlfriend." You've got to know it's a bad scene when your lover wants to pretend you don't exist. Huge giant fucking red flag that means you should run. Why even pretend? It was so goddamned obvious. Even if it wasn't all over the fucking internet, the other people in the office could certainly tell me about it. Whatever.

Why even write about this? Well. I've tried hard not to be petty about all of it. But there's nothing to hide, anymore. I'm done keeping his secrets and lies. Last week I ran into a former coworker, who asked what was going on with Alan and me. I just told the truth. Nothing is more terrible than the truth, I suppose.

It hurts, to know. There have been times when I thought, surely it would hurt less if he had died. It would be less awful than seeing this stranger wearing his face. The man who swore to my rock in the worst of times was sitting at his desk screaming at me and calling me a cunt. I can't help but think about the times he talked about his "psycho" ex-girlfriend. She was probably like me, and had to run like hell from all the lies and twisted words.

Comments

[kythryne.livejournal.com]

Ex #3 swore up and down that his ex-wife was insane. I later found out that a dear friend of mine actually knows her, and thinks she's a bit nutty but not anywhere near as much of a whackjob as the ex made her out to be. It was an eye-opening experience.

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that sage piece of advice about not dating people who tells lots and lots of stories about how their ex-lovers are insane. ;) Seriously though, it is indeed eye opening. I'll be much more careful about that in the future.

[rm.livejournal.com]

You know, I wonder if you just go back and back through women he's dated if it's just some long convoluted string of people he thought he could con into taking care of him (food, shelter, sex, etc) because he was under the incredibly misguided illusion that they weren't loved by other people or couldn't benefit from any love but his or _something_. I mean, he clearly moves so fast -- there's no down time. And it may be what I find the most outrageous in all of it, because the blast radius goes so wide. Literally every single person involved in this thing deserves better, and its his underestimation of people because of the illness or the drugs or his just general contempt for humanity, that so utterly outrages me. Sorry to go the fuck off in your journal, but now that we're cool, and you're talking about it publically, my ability to just keep my mouth shut has sort of run its course. Damn, he makes me angry. I think about the conversation I had with him sitting on your couch while you were in the shower, and everything that seemed like respect towards me at the time was nothing but disrespect. Makes me narrow my eyes something fierce. He did so wrong by you, and he did so wrong by your friends.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I would say it's quite likely that just about all the women inhsi life were needed for something, even just the ability to rent an apartment. I'm very curious about the fact that he seems to pull the exact same shit with each and every one of them. It makes me feel like a class A idiot, I tell you.

You don't need to apologize, you of all people really. Because you got sideswiped by all of this, and it was so unnecessary and wrong and fucking stupid.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of us feel stupid, because there were all sorts of warning signs at all sorts of points that people ignored or misread or didn't speak up on. You were a fool, but I was a fool, and I'm sure so were other people trying to figure it all out. All i can think is I thought he was scared of me because he loved you so much, when it turns out he was probably just scared of me because if I hadn't been so busy trying to do teh right thing I might have been able to poke holes in all his shit a hell of a lot sooner.

That boy so hasn't even begun to meet karma yet, it's amazing.

[theotoky.livejournal.com]

that first sentence is going to be in a song of mine someday. i promise i'll give you writing credit.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I will look forward to hearing the song!