[fiction] What Still Remains - March 1982
Sep. 11th, 2006 01:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireTitle: What Still Remains, March 1982
Author: tsarina amanda
Fandom - Pairing: Harry Potter; Lucius/Severus, implied Lucius/Narcissa
Rating: R
Archive: please ask
Feedback: always appreciated
Summary: Lucius Malfoy leaves Azkaban for the first time and life starts again in the aftermath of the First War
First chapter: January
Second chapter: February
Seasons shifted, and Lucius looked better for it. He gained back some of his weight and the painful sharpness left his cheeks. The circles under his eyes disappeared, but it was questionable if that was a natural development or not. He wore only one scar from the war, and it was fading by degrees. Every morning he inspected it carefully after he bathed, unsure if he was hopeful or fearful that it would bloom back into life. It remained stubbornly grey and ghostly.
Shortly after leaving Narcissa in Italy, Lucius moved back to the Malfoy Manor. English winter slowly gave way to spring, and it rained almost constantly. Deprived of the ability to wander the extensive grounds, Lucius wandered the halls of his home with a curious air. Few things had changed since the Manor passed into his hands after the death of his father. Narcissa had redone her bedroom suite to suit her tastes, as well as a few other rooms. But Lucius had largely abstained from making any significant changes to anything. Perhaps he should, he mused. With that thought in mind, he wrote a few notes and requested catalogs to peruse idly late in the evening.
For Severus, the season could not go faster. At Hogwarts, he presided over uneasy first years and hoped to quell any nanescent rebellion amongst the older students who knew his name from the Daily Prophet. unlike Lucius and Narcissa, his owls were myriad as he attempted to settle into the academic world he left behind after school. In addition to subscribing to professional organizations and journals, there were any number of letters from dubious if not outright hostile parents. Lucius also sent more letters than Severus strictly appreciated. For a time he stopped answering all of them, until Lucius threatened to send Howlers during meal times. He wasn't quite sure if Lucius would actually follow through with the threat but it seemed unwise to chance it.
For the first time this year, the students were allowed to take their traditional weekend trip to Hogsmeade. March was still rather grim and chilly, and the students trundled down the path bundled in cloaks and scarves. Severus took advantage of the distraction to mutter a barely intelligible story about familial obligation to the Headmaster, who only noddly gravely and didn't believe a word of it. With a hastily packed bag, the young professor apparated from one front gate to another, more fanciful gate. With a disgruntled sigh, he wiped the rain out of his eyes and marched up the winding stone path.
-----
Wiltshire seemed shrouded in a fine mist. A fire burned in the grate, and the drapes were pulled open to allow the dim afternoon light into the room. Lucius and Severus watched each other because there were too many things and neither of them was willing to voice those thoughts. The silence surrounded their chairs, the tea cups on the table. The untrustworthy light was an echo of unsteady hearts.
"One day, everything's going to be fine," Severus said with an uncharacteristic hopefulness. He regretted the words before they even left his mouth.
"I am aware now that everyone's going to be fine, one day but perhaps it is a bit late in coming." The reply was acidic.
"It is not the end."
"But it is an end," Lucius pointed out.
"What can you make of it?" Severus asked in growing irritation with Lucius' peevish behavior. "Make something of your own for once instead of perpetuating the past, and before you even open your mouth Lucius, we both know you've never done anything except exactly what you were expected to do." The two wizards glared at each other across table.
"What do you expect now?"
"No more," Severus said with a wave of his hands. "I am so weary of sparring with you on this topic."
"We never say what we mean." Lucius snapped a finger at the fire, wakening it into life.
"Is that some challenge to honesty?" snorted his guest. The blond wizard just raised an eyebrow and sipped at his tea.
"Fine," Severus ground out from clenched teeth. "You married the woman picked out for you, and wanted her to be the most dutiful wife and love you without question but you never once gave her that courtesy. You cherished an unpleasant infatuation with her sister, an unpleasant and unworthy loyalty to your master, and never once allowed yourself to behave decently with Narcissa's heart. The fact that you rage about her withdrawl at this point would be laughable if it weren't so ugly."
"Clearly I chose well in making you her confidant..." Lucius smiled to himself.
"Don't pretend you had the forethought to do something both thoughtful and necessary."
"In the spirit of honesty," Lucius began. "You allowed yourself an infatuation that placed you in a position of divided loyalties from the very beginning Severus. Your obsession with that girl engendered a rivalry with her housemates that both endangered your life and put you in the debt of your enemies. You're not happy unless you are an outcast, you know."
"Oh I revel in the feeling Lucius." The younger wizard rolled his eyes.
"You wouldn't know what to do if you weren't in pain, and in you know it."
They glared at each other in a bone chilling silence for long moments. Severus studied his friend's face, noting that Lucius appeared healthier than he had in January but that his eyes were cold.
"Don't you regret anything?" he asked Lucius with half hearted curiousity.
"I've too few, and you have too many."
"How nice that the world is so neatly balanced between us." Severus rose abruptly and walked to one of the tall windows behind them to stare out at the miserable weather. The older wizard smothered a laugh and levered himself out of his chair to join Severus.
"A pity you weren't born a girl Prince," Lucius said. He put his hands on Severus' shoulders, and Severus chuckled in an unpleasant way. "We may have to polyjuice you if my wife never comes home, because someone needs to host the parties."
"That's a thoroughly unpleasant notion, Lucius."
"Truly?" he laughed. "Surely there would be some compensation." He flexed his fingers, and pressed his lips to Severus' hair.
"Lucius," Severus said in a strangled voice. He found himself gripping one of Lucius' hands with no memory of reaching for it. Lucius covered their entwined fingers with his other hand, wrapping his right arm across Severus' chest. They stood that way, remaining very still and silent for a long time. Severus felt an ache in his back but was unwilling to move for fear of disrupting the calm. Hours or minutes later, Lucius broke the silence.
"Come on, time to dress for supper."
"Are you serious?"
"Severus," Lucius said with the patient air of someone explaining the obvious. "We dress for dinner here. If the portraits saw you in the dining room not dressed for dinner, I would be hearing about it for weeks."
"Why you keep those things in areas of the house you actually use is beyond me," Severus replied in an aggrieved tone. But he followed Lucius upstairs to change, aware that there was no pointing in arguing about things necessary.
-----
Properly dressed and seated at the enormous table, Lucius and Severus dined under the wary eyes of elder Malfoy portraits. So many of them were fair and fey looking, making Severus wonder if the supposedly pureblood family had more than a little non human blood somewhere in the line. They made him uneasy, and he was inifinitely glad when Lucius pushed his chair back and suggested they retreat to his study.
When Abraxas Malfoy died, Lucius turned his father's study into another library room. It held far too many memories he wasn't entirely comfortable with, and a host of childhood humiliations. He found an unused sitting room and transformed it for himself, decorating it in the ornate style he preferred. Many parts of the house were still austere and grim, much like the late Abraxas, but this room was entirely Lucius. There was a plush green and blue rug in front of the fire, a long sofa and an armchair. Lucius had an enormous walnut desk to one side, and the floor to ceiling windows were half stained glass. It suited Lucius, comfortable and beautiful and so clearly expensive.
Wiltshire was now shrouded in darkness, and Severus turned away from the darkened windows to take his glass from Lucius. They opened up old wine, a wedding present from someone neither of them could remember now. It was chilling and dry, tasting too much like autumn and leaves. Lucius moved from one piece of furniture to another, even more restless than usual. From his position on a corner of the sofa, Severus gave up trying to track his movements and tried to concentrate on whatever they were discussing in a given moment. They finished one bottle and cracked open another.
Sometime after the third bottle was opened, they were arguing some obscure point that had almost no relevance to either of them. Lucius leaned over the back of the sofa and kissed him full on the mouth, more to shut Severus up but also because it was something he had been contemplating most of the evening. After the first startled moment, Severus pushed him back.
"You can't just win arguments by snogging your opponent."
"I've lost interest entirely in the subject," Lucius replied loftily.
"Liar." Severus laughed, drunk and past caring if this was dangerous ground.
Lucius kissed him again, pinning the younger wizard's hands to the cushions. Squirming to free his hand, Severus reached out to grab hold of Lucius's neck and try to pull him down onto the sofa. They broke apart to suck in deep breaths. Putting his free hand on Severus' mouth, Lucius picked up his almost empty glass and drained it. It tumbled off the precarious edge of a table onto the rug, with a little bounce and a roll.
"Bedroom," hissed Lucius. He dragged Severus off the sofa, both wizards slightly unsteady on their feet. The glass cracked under Severus' heel.
Without bothering with a light, or even his wand, the blond wizard guided them through the halls and into his room. They stumbled, and Severus started laughing. They pulled at each other's clothes, struggling to strip each other down to skin and bone. Emboldened by too much wine, and too much time, Severus shoved Lucius down on the bed. Severus supposed that he had in fact lost his virginity to Lucius Malfoy ages ago during the course of their careless adolescence, but he had only ever fucked one other person and that person wasn't Lucius. The temptation made him determined, and the wine swept aside any reasoned objection he might have formed. His fingers traced the curve of Lucius' ribs, down to his hips. Lucius hit the mattress with a grunt, and for a moment he just laid there and let Severus run his hands over every bit of exposed skin he could reach.
"Is this what you want?" Lucius panted, flat on his back. Teeth scraped down his neck, and he reached up to grip Severus' shoulders. They were not gentle with each other. It amused Lucius, to think his young friend was so hungry for this moment. Severus wrapped his fingers around Lucius' prick and Lucius arched up from the sheets with a little cry that was lost in the sound of a thunderstorm breaking overhead.
-----
"You overthink everything."
"Again, we're well balanced," Severus replied in a cross tone. "You don't think nearly enough."
Lucius laughed and raised his cup in salute. They were having breakfast in a room mercifully free of family portraits. He was sure the sense of last night was written more clearly on his face than the hangover from too much expensive wine. The rain was still coming down, steady and merciless. Severus rubbed at his head. Lucius appeared serene, but Severus wondered if that pose was in any way truthful. Lucius was too densely layered for him to pick apart, and sometimes the layers all seemed to blend into one shallow facade.
"You can't be angry, Severus," Lucius began in a reasoned voice.
"I'm not angry, I'm puzzled." He regretted giving that much away immediately. "No one ever knows what you really give a damn about Lucius. You never bother to tell anyone."
"I should think with your skill in legilimency, you wouldn't have any trouble diving the nature of my thoughts."
"That presumes you have any thoughts at all, Lucius."
"While I do appreciate your newfound aggressiveness, I must say that you are in an unwarranted and disagreeable mood this morning."
Severus sat back in his chair chewing on his lip. The older wizard watched him stew, and put his cup back down on the table.
"What?" Lucius asked, a tinge of impatience in his tone. Severus just stared at him, conflicted and frustrated beyond what he expected.
"What is it that you want me to say? I love you? You know me better than my wife? What, Severus? I would like to know, so I can say it and you can stop being so surly."
"Lucius," the younger wizard whispered.
"I don't say anything because you would never believe me," Lucius said dryly. "I know you know that." He finished his tea while Severus stared out the window at the weak morning light.
"Come here then." Lucius grabbed Severus' arm and hauled him to his feet. "We'll see if I can't fuck the indecision out of you." He laughed, genuinely pleased to see the startled expression on his companion's face.
-----
By the end of the weekend, events blurred together into one long hazy thread. Back at Hogwarts, Severus would try to summon up a sequence of events and just keep ending up back at the image of Lucius laughing as he pulled Severus away from breakfast. Most of the weekend had been spent in the half lit bedroom, stretched across Lucius' bed. They would fall asleep, and wake up tangled in each other's limbs and sheets. He couldn't remember what they talked about, but he knew at times they just laid there exhausted and murmuring. He could remember the graceful line of Lucius' back, the fall of his hair and the deep, shuddering breaths he took, the slick skin of his shoulders under Severus' aching fingers as they pushed and pulled at each other... Severus closed his eyes and sighed. He tried not to think about what this weekend would cost him. He rubbed at his forehead and picked upa quill. A small stack of letters waited for answers on one corner of his desk. He eyed them with a sinking feeling, and picked up a stack of third year essays instead.
Author: tsarina amanda
Fandom - Pairing: Harry Potter; Lucius/Severus, implied Lucius/Narcissa
Rating: R
Archive: please ask
Feedback: always appreciated
Summary: Lucius Malfoy leaves Azkaban for the first time and life starts again in the aftermath of the First War
First chapter: January
Second chapter: February
Seasons shifted, and Lucius looked better for it. He gained back some of his weight and the painful sharpness left his cheeks. The circles under his eyes disappeared, but it was questionable if that was a natural development or not. He wore only one scar from the war, and it was fading by degrees. Every morning he inspected it carefully after he bathed, unsure if he was hopeful or fearful that it would bloom back into life. It remained stubbornly grey and ghostly.
Shortly after leaving Narcissa in Italy, Lucius moved back to the Malfoy Manor. English winter slowly gave way to spring, and it rained almost constantly. Deprived of the ability to wander the extensive grounds, Lucius wandered the halls of his home with a curious air. Few things had changed since the Manor passed into his hands after the death of his father. Narcissa had redone her bedroom suite to suit her tastes, as well as a few other rooms. But Lucius had largely abstained from making any significant changes to anything. Perhaps he should, he mused. With that thought in mind, he wrote a few notes and requested catalogs to peruse idly late in the evening.
For Severus, the season could not go faster. At Hogwarts, he presided over uneasy first years and hoped to quell any nanescent rebellion amongst the older students who knew his name from the Daily Prophet. unlike Lucius and Narcissa, his owls were myriad as he attempted to settle into the academic world he left behind after school. In addition to subscribing to professional organizations and journals, there were any number of letters from dubious if not outright hostile parents. Lucius also sent more letters than Severus strictly appreciated. For a time he stopped answering all of them, until Lucius threatened to send Howlers during meal times. He wasn't quite sure if Lucius would actually follow through with the threat but it seemed unwise to chance it.
For the first time this year, the students were allowed to take their traditional weekend trip to Hogsmeade. March was still rather grim and chilly, and the students trundled down the path bundled in cloaks and scarves. Severus took advantage of the distraction to mutter a barely intelligible story about familial obligation to the Headmaster, who only noddly gravely and didn't believe a word of it. With a hastily packed bag, the young professor apparated from one front gate to another, more fanciful gate. With a disgruntled sigh, he wiped the rain out of his eyes and marched up the winding stone path.
-----
Wiltshire seemed shrouded in a fine mist. A fire burned in the grate, and the drapes were pulled open to allow the dim afternoon light into the room. Lucius and Severus watched each other because there were too many things and neither of them was willing to voice those thoughts. The silence surrounded their chairs, the tea cups on the table. The untrustworthy light was an echo of unsteady hearts.
"One day, everything's going to be fine," Severus said with an uncharacteristic hopefulness. He regretted the words before they even left his mouth.
"I am aware now that everyone's going to be fine, one day but perhaps it is a bit late in coming." The reply was acidic.
"It is not the end."
"But it is an end," Lucius pointed out.
"What can you make of it?" Severus asked in growing irritation with Lucius' peevish behavior. "Make something of your own for once instead of perpetuating the past, and before you even open your mouth Lucius, we both know you've never done anything except exactly what you were expected to do." The two wizards glared at each other across table.
"What do you expect now?"
"No more," Severus said with a wave of his hands. "I am so weary of sparring with you on this topic."
"We never say what we mean." Lucius snapped a finger at the fire, wakening it into life.
"Is that some challenge to honesty?" snorted his guest. The blond wizard just raised an eyebrow and sipped at his tea.
"Fine," Severus ground out from clenched teeth. "You married the woman picked out for you, and wanted her to be the most dutiful wife and love you without question but you never once gave her that courtesy. You cherished an unpleasant infatuation with her sister, an unpleasant and unworthy loyalty to your master, and never once allowed yourself to behave decently with Narcissa's heart. The fact that you rage about her withdrawl at this point would be laughable if it weren't so ugly."
"Clearly I chose well in making you her confidant..." Lucius smiled to himself.
"Don't pretend you had the forethought to do something both thoughtful and necessary."
"In the spirit of honesty," Lucius began. "You allowed yourself an infatuation that placed you in a position of divided loyalties from the very beginning Severus. Your obsession with that girl engendered a rivalry with her housemates that both endangered your life and put you in the debt of your enemies. You're not happy unless you are an outcast, you know."
"Oh I revel in the feeling Lucius." The younger wizard rolled his eyes.
"You wouldn't know what to do if you weren't in pain, and in you know it."
They glared at each other in a bone chilling silence for long moments. Severus studied his friend's face, noting that Lucius appeared healthier than he had in January but that his eyes were cold.
"Don't you regret anything?" he asked Lucius with half hearted curiousity.
"I've too few, and you have too many."
"How nice that the world is so neatly balanced between us." Severus rose abruptly and walked to one of the tall windows behind them to stare out at the miserable weather. The older wizard smothered a laugh and levered himself out of his chair to join Severus.
"A pity you weren't born a girl Prince," Lucius said. He put his hands on Severus' shoulders, and Severus chuckled in an unpleasant way. "We may have to polyjuice you if my wife never comes home, because someone needs to host the parties."
"That's a thoroughly unpleasant notion, Lucius."
"Truly?" he laughed. "Surely there would be some compensation." He flexed his fingers, and pressed his lips to Severus' hair.
"Lucius," Severus said in a strangled voice. He found himself gripping one of Lucius' hands with no memory of reaching for it. Lucius covered their entwined fingers with his other hand, wrapping his right arm across Severus' chest. They stood that way, remaining very still and silent for a long time. Severus felt an ache in his back but was unwilling to move for fear of disrupting the calm. Hours or minutes later, Lucius broke the silence.
"Come on, time to dress for supper."
"Are you serious?"
"Severus," Lucius said with the patient air of someone explaining the obvious. "We dress for dinner here. If the portraits saw you in the dining room not dressed for dinner, I would be hearing about it for weeks."
"Why you keep those things in areas of the house you actually use is beyond me," Severus replied in an aggrieved tone. But he followed Lucius upstairs to change, aware that there was no pointing in arguing about things necessary.
-----
Properly dressed and seated at the enormous table, Lucius and Severus dined under the wary eyes of elder Malfoy portraits. So many of them were fair and fey looking, making Severus wonder if the supposedly pureblood family had more than a little non human blood somewhere in the line. They made him uneasy, and he was inifinitely glad when Lucius pushed his chair back and suggested they retreat to his study.
When Abraxas Malfoy died, Lucius turned his father's study into another library room. It held far too many memories he wasn't entirely comfortable with, and a host of childhood humiliations. He found an unused sitting room and transformed it for himself, decorating it in the ornate style he preferred. Many parts of the house were still austere and grim, much like the late Abraxas, but this room was entirely Lucius. There was a plush green and blue rug in front of the fire, a long sofa and an armchair. Lucius had an enormous walnut desk to one side, and the floor to ceiling windows were half stained glass. It suited Lucius, comfortable and beautiful and so clearly expensive.
Wiltshire was now shrouded in darkness, and Severus turned away from the darkened windows to take his glass from Lucius. They opened up old wine, a wedding present from someone neither of them could remember now. It was chilling and dry, tasting too much like autumn and leaves. Lucius moved from one piece of furniture to another, even more restless than usual. From his position on a corner of the sofa, Severus gave up trying to track his movements and tried to concentrate on whatever they were discussing in a given moment. They finished one bottle and cracked open another.
Sometime after the third bottle was opened, they were arguing some obscure point that had almost no relevance to either of them. Lucius leaned over the back of the sofa and kissed him full on the mouth, more to shut Severus up but also because it was something he had been contemplating most of the evening. After the first startled moment, Severus pushed him back.
"You can't just win arguments by snogging your opponent."
"I've lost interest entirely in the subject," Lucius replied loftily.
"Liar." Severus laughed, drunk and past caring if this was dangerous ground.
Lucius kissed him again, pinning the younger wizard's hands to the cushions. Squirming to free his hand, Severus reached out to grab hold of Lucius's neck and try to pull him down onto the sofa. They broke apart to suck in deep breaths. Putting his free hand on Severus' mouth, Lucius picked up his almost empty glass and drained it. It tumbled off the precarious edge of a table onto the rug, with a little bounce and a roll.
"Bedroom," hissed Lucius. He dragged Severus off the sofa, both wizards slightly unsteady on their feet. The glass cracked under Severus' heel.
Without bothering with a light, or even his wand, the blond wizard guided them through the halls and into his room. They stumbled, and Severus started laughing. They pulled at each other's clothes, struggling to strip each other down to skin and bone. Emboldened by too much wine, and too much time, Severus shoved Lucius down on the bed. Severus supposed that he had in fact lost his virginity to Lucius Malfoy ages ago during the course of their careless adolescence, but he had only ever fucked one other person and that person wasn't Lucius. The temptation made him determined, and the wine swept aside any reasoned objection he might have formed. His fingers traced the curve of Lucius' ribs, down to his hips. Lucius hit the mattress with a grunt, and for a moment he just laid there and let Severus run his hands over every bit of exposed skin he could reach.
"Is this what you want?" Lucius panted, flat on his back. Teeth scraped down his neck, and he reached up to grip Severus' shoulders. They were not gentle with each other. It amused Lucius, to think his young friend was so hungry for this moment. Severus wrapped his fingers around Lucius' prick and Lucius arched up from the sheets with a little cry that was lost in the sound of a thunderstorm breaking overhead.
-----
"You overthink everything."
"Again, we're well balanced," Severus replied in a cross tone. "You don't think nearly enough."
Lucius laughed and raised his cup in salute. They were having breakfast in a room mercifully free of family portraits. He was sure the sense of last night was written more clearly on his face than the hangover from too much expensive wine. The rain was still coming down, steady and merciless. Severus rubbed at his head. Lucius appeared serene, but Severus wondered if that pose was in any way truthful. Lucius was too densely layered for him to pick apart, and sometimes the layers all seemed to blend into one shallow facade.
"You can't be angry, Severus," Lucius began in a reasoned voice.
"I'm not angry, I'm puzzled." He regretted giving that much away immediately. "No one ever knows what you really give a damn about Lucius. You never bother to tell anyone."
"I should think with your skill in legilimency, you wouldn't have any trouble diving the nature of my thoughts."
"That presumes you have any thoughts at all, Lucius."
"While I do appreciate your newfound aggressiveness, I must say that you are in an unwarranted and disagreeable mood this morning."
Severus sat back in his chair chewing on his lip. The older wizard watched him stew, and put his cup back down on the table.
"What?" Lucius asked, a tinge of impatience in his tone. Severus just stared at him, conflicted and frustrated beyond what he expected.
"What is it that you want me to say? I love you? You know me better than my wife? What, Severus? I would like to know, so I can say it and you can stop being so surly."
"Lucius," the younger wizard whispered.
"I don't say anything because you would never believe me," Lucius said dryly. "I know you know that." He finished his tea while Severus stared out the window at the weak morning light.
"Come here then." Lucius grabbed Severus' arm and hauled him to his feet. "We'll see if I can't fuck the indecision out of you." He laughed, genuinely pleased to see the startled expression on his companion's face.
-----
By the end of the weekend, events blurred together into one long hazy thread. Back at Hogwarts, Severus would try to summon up a sequence of events and just keep ending up back at the image of Lucius laughing as he pulled Severus away from breakfast. Most of the weekend had been spent in the half lit bedroom, stretched across Lucius' bed. They would fall asleep, and wake up tangled in each other's limbs and sheets. He couldn't remember what they talked about, but he knew at times they just laid there exhausted and murmuring. He could remember the graceful line of Lucius' back, the fall of his hair and the deep, shuddering breaths he took, the slick skin of his shoulders under Severus' aching fingers as they pushed and pulled at each other... Severus closed his eyes and sighed. He tried not to think about what this weekend would cost him. He rubbed at his forehead and picked upa quill. A small stack of letters waited for answers on one corner of his desk. He eyed them with a sinking feeling, and picked up a stack of third year essays instead.