ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys

[threeplusfire]

I went to listen to Father Jerome celebrate Mass today in the Infant of Prague cathedral. Also to Confession, because it has been months and I felt the need to unburden my soul to someone who might stand a better chance of understanding my personal litany of pain.

He was kind, even when I started to cry. We talked for a long time, and in the end when he absolved me I really did feel it.

Father Jerome advised me not to think so much. That's something I've been told by so many people in my life, my mother, my teachers, my friends. Only now, coming from a priest in a Prague cathedral, is it finally making sense.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with myself. Part of me wants this life I've dreamed of however indistinctly all my life. Finishing a PhD, becoming a professor, writing books, traveling, being someone like Hana in the end. Yet there is part of me that speaks sometimes in a quiet voice, a part of me that wants to leave and join a convent. Maybe teach in a Catholic school. I don't know.

Comments

Oppression

[bobjones.livejournal.com]

Stop thinking?
Are you mad?

Re: Oppression

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Well, that was not quite what he meant. He meant to stop thinking so much about things beyond my control and learn to trust God more with my life. Not to worry so much, essentially.

He also encouraged me to stay in college, and to study as much as possible, and to think more about my academic work. So it balances out. Stop thinking so much about the things I can't do and think more about what I can do something with.

[seitvonzu.livejournal.com]

Yoga is helping me quiet my mind. I'm taking it with d. who thinks that quieting the mind is SUCH a sin, but well, i think it's very helpful to return yourself to peace and USE. especially USE. a calm mind is a useful mind.

The confession sounds wonderful. And about the nun thing, well, you have to listen very carefully and pray about that. it's such a personal decision. i used to get these weird heart palpatations when i was kneeling at church. and i would feel so exalted and at peace. i thougth pretty seriously about the way life would go if i were a bride of heaven...

it's a hard road to beauty, methinks.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think my entire life, my brain has been working overtime. Groing up atheist made me constantly search for some kind of meaning to balance out the dread that nothing whatsoever was real.

Sometimes I think I would make an awful nun. Too much attachment to things of this world. But sometimes I think it might be the best thing to do with myself. It certainly won't happen soon though.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Not think? Maybe.

People who have a tendency to beat up on themselves probably ought not to spend much time introspecting, I suppose, nor should folks who tend to believe that they have no control over what they think.

In my experience, though, between what I think and what I feel, I generally have found it easier to control the former. What you think about - what you focus on - affects how you feel.

(DISCLAIMER! I am not talking about you, or trying to psychoanalyze you... I'm just musing on the priest's advice.)

Cheers...

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hehe, no disclaimer necessary. Musing on such topics is always good.

I supose I should have written that more clearly. Sometimes I think I'm only ever writing for my head instead of the desk drawer or anyone else. What he meant was not to work myself up over the things I can't control or do anything about. That I should learn to accept that I am only human.

Oddly, I have practiced better control of my emotions than my thoughts. A few years ago I cracked the emotional shell, and things got a bit chaotic. But maybe I'm learning to balance it all out.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for that kind compliment. :) I try. I fall down an awful lot, but I try.