this is the only time

[threeplusfire]

I slept uncommonly late today, which is unfortunate. I'm trying to make up for it by getting all the laundry done and vacuuming. Misha did such a job rearranging things last night and cleaning up in the kitchen I am put to shame. My housewifely skills must improve. I guess I should move some talent points to that, hahah.

I know I am not the only person who has divorced and retained contact with their previous in-laws. (Some of my friends maintain such connections.) It seems less uncommon nowadays than it once was. My former husband's parents are such gracious, generous and loving people I would find it hard to write them off completely. They showed me nothing but love and understanding even as I divorced their son. In the course of talking to them, I am haunted by a specter of guilt that I couldn't save Alan from himself. But who else understands this better than us?

This comes up because recently my former husband has been in jail here. He's been arrested more than once in the past several months, and I know this entire situation is a terrible burden for his parents. The more recent situation is rather serious and unpleasant. I was relieved at least to find out that the girl he moved onto when I left seems to be leaving. Everything I've heard about her situation has been grim. Gods above, it's hard to think kindly of a woman who takes your place and even so I can feel some sympathy. I did something I may regret later, but I felt was necessary - I sent her a message saying I understood what a painful choice it was to leave and that I was glad she was getting out of the situation. Because after all, I know how much it hurt to leave him and how badly a part of me wanted him back. Those night sleeping on Sarah's sofa, how I would sob until I didn't have any breath left to speak and I missed even the horrible parts of my life so much.

I don't expect to write very publicly about this from here on out. But it is something that has weighed heavily on my mind. I no longer wish for my old life back. I've done my mourning for the life I thought Alan and I would have. There will always be a part of my heart that loves him. I hope that he will find some help. But I know that there is no going back.

Comments

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I have never read that before.

[newbabel.livejournal.com]

This post was brave and it was beautiful and it makes me think even more well of you than I did before. And that's pretty damned hard.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Aww. Thank you!
(PS: Still working on that story!! As soon as I have it together I will show it to you.)

congrats

[state-monkey.livejournal.com]

It is always good, but hard, to realize that you can have a good life. You can feel guilty sometimes, but you should not do so. It just means you are a strong, complex person and your love then, as now, was real. Your new love gives you the real strength not just because of who you love, but because of where your love comes from.

I never met your first husband, but your second sounds like a wonderful person. You seem to have come a long way since I first knew you, but I always saw your resilience and capacity.

p.s. i dont think you should respec, just learn a few cantrips. some magic bubbles should take care of most things around the house :)

Re: congrats

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It means a hell of a lot, coming from someone who knew me when I was a difficult teenager.

I do have the magic Roomba to help me...