LJ Idol, Week 14: Resolute

[threeplusfire]

There are things that cannot be changed, things that cannot be undone. All that time lying in bed with the sick feeling in your stomach can't make it different, can't take you back to the moment where something different might have happened. If only, if only, if only...

I am no stranger to this feeling. From the time I keyed someone's car in a rage to the day I saw a divorce lawyer to a visit on Mother's Day that went horrendously wrong this feeling is something I know intimately. Things happen - things we're ashamed of, things that are hard, things that break your heart. They can't or won't be fixed while you're lying in bed crying, or trying to do anything to take your mind off the matter.

Once, a long time ago, I would spend nights driving up and down the highway without any purpose. I would chain smoke and feel the wind on my wrist resting on the car door. In my head I told myself inside of you at the center is a diamond - hard, cold, unbreakable. Over and over I repeated those words in my head as I willed the center of me to be hard and bright and unbreakable. I would not fall apart, I would not shatter. No matter how much it hurt, or how much I wanted it all to stop, I would remain.

The past year has shown me that as much as things change, some things will always be the same. I write about them only obliquely here because none of it is finished legally or emotionally. The details don't make much of a difference though. We all know how the stories go, we have all heard stories like it before. Even safe and loved, part of me must still be hard and bright and cold like a stone, sharp enough to cut and strong enough to hold fast in a storm.

Comments

[delchi.livejournal.com]

Oh hell yes.

Thank you , I needed that.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It is good to know someone understands.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

YES.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Very sad but well written.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I felt a little awkward writing something that wasn't full of the hopeful resolutions this week, but this is just where the words went. Thank you for reading.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

Wow...the image of you saying that mantra over and over just to get through is heart-breaking and relatable and amazing. Diamonds are beautiful and prized too, as you are my friend.

As usual, beautifully written. Pardon me while I go vote for you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you. It is a good mantra. It helped.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I do not know your story but I wish you well. This was very sad and extremely well written.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you, for reading and for your kind words.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Nicely said.

Cheers...

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[shadowwolf13]

Beautiful!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you muchly!

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely incredible. Just an amazing piece of writing, and so perfectly told.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. Your praise is overwhelming.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

As you said, the details don't matter. It's the center of the diamond that does matter.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Amen to that. I like to imagine our little diamond hearts make a chink noise when they run into each other, like glasses for toasts.

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

This was such a poetic and bittersweet entry. You did really well with the theme and I think this is some of your best writing. Good luck to you with those issues, I hope you make it through without breaking.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you, very much. This was an experiment with voice & tone that was something new. I'm glad it came together well.

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

I hate that sick feeling :o(

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It is the worst!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked that line - it was my favorite.