three (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
threeplusfire) wrote2009-01-01 11:04 pm
threeplusfire) wrote2009-01-01 11:04 pm
LJ Idol, Week 14: Resolute
There are things that cannot be changed, things that cannot be undone. All that time lying in bed with the sick feeling in your stomach can't make it different, can't take you back to the moment where something different might have happened. If only, if only, if only...
I am no stranger to this feeling. From the time I keyed someone's car in a rage to the day I saw a divorce lawyer to a visit on Mother's Day that went horrendously wrong this feeling is something I know intimately. Things happen - things we're ashamed of, things that are hard, things that break your heart. They can't or won't be fixed while you're lying in bed crying, or trying to do anything to take your mind off the matter.
Once, a long time ago, I would spend nights driving up and down the highway without any purpose. I would chain smoke and feel the wind on my wrist resting on the car door. In my head I told myself inside of you at the center is a diamond - hard, cold, unbreakable. Over and over I repeated those words in my head as I willed the center of me to be hard and bright and unbreakable. I would not fall apart, I would not shatter. No matter how much it hurt, or how much I wanted it all to stop, I would remain.
The past year has shown me that as much as things change, some things will always be the same. I write about them only obliquely here because none of it is finished legally or emotionally. The details don't make much of a difference though. We all know how the stories go, we have all heard stories like it before. Even safe and loved, part of me must still be hard and bright and cold like a stone, sharp enough to cut and strong enough to hold fast in a storm.
I am no stranger to this feeling. From the time I keyed someone's car in a rage to the day I saw a divorce lawyer to a visit on Mother's Day that went horrendously wrong this feeling is something I know intimately. Things happen - things we're ashamed of, things that are hard, things that break your heart. They can't or won't be fixed while you're lying in bed crying, or trying to do anything to take your mind off the matter.
Once, a long time ago, I would spend nights driving up and down the highway without any purpose. I would chain smoke and feel the wind on my wrist resting on the car door. In my head I told myself inside of you at the center is a diamond - hard, cold, unbreakable. Over and over I repeated those words in my head as I willed the center of me to be hard and bright and unbreakable. I would not fall apart, I would not shatter. No matter how much it hurt, or how much I wanted it all to stop, I would remain.
The past year has shown me that as much as things change, some things will always be the same. I write about them only obliquely here because none of it is finished legally or emotionally. The details don't make much of a difference though. We all know how the stories go, we have all heard stories like it before. Even safe and loved, part of me must still be hard and bright and cold like a stone, sharp enough to cut and strong enough to hold fast in a storm.
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Thank you , I needed that.
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