All my life I've had trouble saying what I want

[threeplusfire]

I made this account in December of 2000, during the dying dot-com days when there wasn't enough work to keep us busy and we just looked at the internet to stave off the inevitable. It's a weird thing, one of the oldest parts of my life. It's felt as changeable as my soul at times, and certainly has as many cringe worthy spots.

Today I did some serious pruning of my list. A lot of journals left empty, abandoned, people I am not very close with. After such a long time of fiercely trying to be an open window, I find myself wanting to pull back. I've certainly not had some of the profoundly ugly experiences as some friends have but it wears. Recently I've found myself wanting to chuck the entire thing and delete it all. (Really the only reason I haven't deleted my Facebook account is that it put me back in touch with someone I'd never thought I would hear from again.) The reason I started writing here was because pushing the delete key was less visceral and satisfying than starting a fire. Most of my previous journals found their ends with matches and lighters.

Part of this has to do with shedding those invisible walls, I'm sure. It feels weird to write the phrase "coming out" even thought it fits the situation. I've been more or less out of the closet in regards to my desires since I was fourteen. Coming out about what I am, admitting to myself that how I feel just isn't some quirk or reactionary habit. People make that joke "oh, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" or "I'm a gay man in a woman's body" and it doesn't really mean anything. They aren't serious. Saying "I'm a bisexual man who ended up in this bisexual woman's body" is sort of a clunky line.

Comments

[beatnikside.livejournal.com]

I've been having the same thoughts regarding my own journal. I'm just not here anymore. The minutiae of my daily life isn't compelling enough to me to put down in writing (at least, nit in writing meant for others to see and enjoy), and my freedom to express myself in LJ has been severely hampered by finger-pointers and assholes who castigate this liberal for not being liberal enough. Also, I'm putting so much of my writing energies into other projects that by the time I get here, the cupboard is bare.

In any case, thanks for keeping me around. You're part of the small but awesome "family" that keeps me from deleting this whole mess.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I would be sad if you went away - your writing is one of my favorites. Also, you indirectly introduced me to Cupcake Royale where I ate fantastic cupcakes and spent time with my friends.

[beatnikside.livejournal.com]

Funny: No sooner did I post this did I see one of my friends saying horrible things about another one, inexcusable things. I hate to waffle on you in the span of a half-hour, but I'm now two steps closer to closing up shop. It's just not something I can choke down from day-to-day, all this fucking bile.

You Guys!

[razorart.livejournal.com]

Early Adopters Unite!!!!

Don't delete!!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Not to make lame economy or real estate metaphors, but I think there is a very circular and cyclic nature of things here. Inevitably, somewhere, something happens.

AS an antidote, I suggest reading some Skvorecky. I started his most recent novel, Ordinary Lives. If there was any man I could be, it would be him. He writes like no one else. I think you would be friends with Danny, so often the protagonist of his stories.

[lawnrrd]

I have certainly been updating less than I used to. Part of it is that I have less time and energy, what with the spawn and all. Facebook draws off some of the subject matter that used to go here. And I just don't feel that I have much new to say these days.

Still, I stick around, and I sometimes have stuff to say. I'm glad that you stick around, too.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you manage - you days sound like they must be forty hours long when I think about it.

[lawnrrd]

It's partly a matter of perspective, I suppose. On the one hand, there have been a couple of times when I've had a day or two without the W & K, and it's felt like a vacation, even though I've been going to the office and working full days. On the other hand, we have one kid and a full-time (well, about 26 hours/week, anyway) nanny during the week. So I don't know how normal people manage.

And if I may change the topic for a moment, please forgive me, but I can't help thinking things like: "I'm a heterosexual man who ended up in a bisexual woman's body, and I hope she'll bring a friend next time." I can't help it: it's the way I am.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hah! That's why we get along, funny man.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

I'm glad we're still on each others' radar.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It's our hats - they ping off each other.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Pinging hats!

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

<3

I've felt weird about my own journal lately. I keep having to remind myself that it's my journal - there's no such thing as Too Much Buffy Content or Too Much Erin Content. It's funny, after so many years with a static friendslist, I often feel like I'm writing to an audience of [you guys] and I've been worried, lately, about the former. And conversely, I've been wondering if I should censor myself more since there are new folks in town. It's always been very easy to find my RL identity from my LJ (but not the other way around). That doesn't really bother me, but I've given it more thought of late.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

You've hit on many of the things troubling me - though I have no Buffy content. (I'm trying to motivate myself to exercise more by promising myself I'll finally watch Angel while I row.)

[razorart.livejournal.com]

I feel this way from time to time and holy hell has there been a lot of um, let's call them "situations" on here for the past week, one being a suicide note that got a whole lot of people involved and (I will check to see if this person is on your Flist, b/c if so, I'll delete this immediately so as not to hurt them) kind of pissed me off, too because who wants to read a suicide note 8 hours after it was posted?!

There are a few people I reevaluate, but for the most part I don't make many cuts, just scroll on past except for in the case of one long time friend whose negativity and jealousy regarding mutual friends' happiness drove me to lash out and say some pretty cruel things. Felt good, but in the end, it was a waste of energy. Deleted them soon thereafter.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh fuck, now that's crazy and bad. Did that end dramatically? There was something in fandom recently where a person made suicidal statements in the worst possible place, so it was unclear whether it was an actual person seriously in trouble or just trolling.

Ultimately, I find it hard to throw my hands up and walk away, because all my friends are here.

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

I am so very glad to be here still.

I know I haven't posted much lately. There's just so much I haven't said in the past two weeks, that I don't even know where to start at this point, so instead of trying to figure out where to begin I'm just going to start.

And did, pausing before I posted this to make sure I said something.

[hugs]

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

What a long, weird, weird road it has been.

[splix.livejournal.com]

I hope you won't delete. I'm liking getting to know you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I'd get too lonely.

The other day I saw a documentary about a reform school in Russia, and some of the kids were explaining their tattoos. It was a bit unsettling to see a thirteen year old with stars on his knees.

[splix.livejournal.com]

Oh jeez. That reminds me a lot of the narco-culture in Mexico - little kids rattling off the names of their favorite shadowy underworld figures like they were sports stars or something. No good at any age, but way, way too young. :-/

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think it was called Alone in Four Walls, if you get the chance to see it sometime. (We get IFC, which shows documentaries every Monday.)

[ekatarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you for letting me be a witness to a part of your life.

If you wish me to remove you from my list just drop me a note. I would not take it personally in any way shape or form.

All my best,

Ekatarina

[geoectomy.livejournal.com]

It is an evolving process, this method of sharing. Blogging in general provided a platform for sharing and social networking that I hadn't quite seen the like of since. Facebook is social networking with ADD.

Perhaps as we grow older, the need to share, to put it into writing, to state whatever it is we feel we need to put out there... it fades. I know that this account started out a lot more verbose... And the account before that was a lot more filled with... fluff? Irrelevance? I dunno. Now, I pretty much only post pictures.

I have sought out a drama-free life. These days, my worst drama is being stood up by a model or having a model show up stoned to a shoot... Nothing deeply personal. So, I don't feel there's much to write about here...

It's no secret that I don't socialize very well. I have an enormous circle of acquaintances, but few friends. You're one of the few whom I've never met, but who's peek into your life--whatever you choose to share--I truly value. You played with the Blood Dawn, you cook food (and take pictures over which I salivate), and have a fucked up family I can vaguely relate to... but you also transcend that.

It's kinda funny, actually. When all the crap went down with my workplace five years ago, I restructured my flist-groups into circles of trust. Now, when I go to read them, you're pretty much one of the only ones active... I get pages of you... So, you're not alone in the pulling back.