choosing our names

[threeplusfire]

My name is Anton.

Today finally feels right to say that aloud in this space. I went to therapy and when I came home my copy of Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation was waiting on the doorstep. It's sunny but the heat doesn't feel like its will obliterate me. I'm wearing my bracelet. For whatever reason, things are falling into place.

Additionally today, there's some discussion on LJ about the issue of names and usernames, which ones we choose to use and why they are important. It is worth nothing I am thinking about changing my journal name, because tsarina is a feminine noun. But I've been Tsarina so long, more than a decade, and I would be a liar not to say the thought of changing it aches a bit in my heart. I've used the name Tsarina more than the name on my birth certificate in some ways and it is no less really my name because of it came to be on the wired world. A person is never just one thing, and so I think they are never really just one name. We have nicknames and private names and saints names and secret names and online names and legal names and so many things.

Since I came home from Dragon*con, my mind has relentlessly circled the thought of my name and my transition. I went to therapy today and said I want to start doing something about this life of mine. I'm ready to stop waiting. This is my life and I would like to live it and be happy.

All of my life, I've been afraid of people telling me my feelings weren't real. That I was just trying to make myself more interesting, that I was making things up or that my experiences weren't genuine enough. During some important and difficult moments growing up, the adults around me told me these things and for years I've internalized those words. I couldn't really be gay, or a boy, or raped, or whatever it was. My experiences were dismissed as unreal and unimportant. To this very day, my family denies some of them even happened. But I remember, I remember all of it and I am still all the things they said weren't true.

I am really here, and my name is Anton. I would like it if you called me that. I know for the people in my life who have known me as Amanda, it may be hard to switch. That's alright. I still have moments where I stumble on it sometimes too. We'll just go on down the road together and perhaps ten years from now I'll be writing a post where it will seem strange that I was ever anything or anyone else.

Comments

[mielikki.livejournal.com]

Anton.

Anton.

Anton, Anton, Anton.

You are Anton.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

It really does suit you.

[rm.livejournal.com]

So say we all.

It's the call to arms inherent in this post that's so fucking awesome.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I drew my inspiration from so many of your posts about why stories and things matter.

[rm.livejournal.com]

I read your post and I thought, "all this bullshit I do because of the way I obsess on things, whether it's dead characters or Australia -- if even 1% of that goes into something like this, I'm less of a fuckup than I think."

So I'm glad you're Anton, but I also have to say thank you, because this has made me feel better about a lot of stuff I'm struggling with regarding my creative work lately.

[weirdquark]

Go you.

[dine.livejournal.com]

hello, Anton!

it's good to be able to call you by *your* name :-)

[splix.livejournal.com]

It's a good name. Congratulations, Anton.

[schpahky.livejournal.com]

This is all really good to read, and I am relieved and glad for you.

That bracelet is amazing.

[fiatincantatum.livejournal.com]

Well, I've never thought of you as anything but "Pear" I'm afraid... character names stick with me better than real ones :)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Hah! I can support that - PEar is an awesome name and you should totally continue to use it. Emofruit forever!

[rachel2205.livejournal.com]

Bienvenue, Anton. You're beautiful xox

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

Well hello there Anton. :)

[eroticcakejob.livejournal.com]

You're such an "Anton".

[quixotic.livejournal.com]

Hi Anton!

A close friend of mine who I've known since junior high school began his transition about five years ago. I remember how hard it was initially to call him by his real name (Luke) instead of the one I always knew (Lisa). But now, when people we went to school with ask me how "Lisa" is doing, it always takes me a little while to figure out who the hell they're talking about. Same when I look back at old LJ entries when I talk about doing things with "Lisa." The name "Lisa" looks alien to me. It has no connection to anyone I know. It's kind of hard to describe the feeling, but it's just like he was always Luke, and I don't know at all who this Lisa person is. I imagine it will be the same way with the people who know you well.

[askeladden.livejournal.com]

Heya, Anton. So is it AN-TAWN, with equal stress on both syllables, or ANtun, with more stress on the first syllable?

[daysprings.livejournal.com]

...or An-TONE, more the Latin pronunciation?

[rachel2205.livejournal.com]

Hee, I've been saying it French-style in my head! (An-tohn)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I tend to say it with the stress on the first syllable myself. With everyone's Texas accents here, I hear a lot of equal stress and long vowels.

[daysprings.livejournal.com]

I like the new name, Anton. I will do my best not to slip up and call you Amanda, and I apologize in advance if I do (just because I've known you online by that name since 2001!). How did you end up choosing it?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

After I made a giant list of all my favorite authors and characters ever, I started trying to be slightly editorial about it. Naming myself Vladimir Joseph Fydor was probably a bit over the top, hahah. I really wanted something that spoke to my passions but was going to be simple to spell and say casually. After going through a lot of names, I found I really wanted to keep the initial A so that helped me narrow down my names a lot.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Anton! I love it. It so suits you. How'd you choose it?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

After I decided I could not name myself anything totally ridiculous or possibly embarrassing, I started weeding out things that would require a lot of explanation/spelling. I really wanted something that started with A, and something that gave a nod to my love of all things sci-fi, Slavic and literary. Anton just hit everything.

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[britgeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Howdy, Anton!

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

/twirl

I'm sitting here chanting Anton, telling my brain to make the transition though I figure I'll mess up a few times.

Huh, I never tried to edit gmail contacts before. I should do that....

Anton!

[cymry.livejournal.com]

Hi, Anton. You have a beautiful name.

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

Nice to meet you, Anton. :-)

[isabeau.livejournal.com]

Go you. This is an awesome post, and an awesome decision, and ...er, well, I have very little chance of actually remembering that you are Anton, but that is because I suck at attaching RL names to usernames. But it is a name that suits you \o/

[bizetsy.livejournal.com]

Hello, Anton. Welcome.

[ekatarina.livejournal.com]

I am honoured to meet you Anton.

WIshing you all the best,

Ekatarina

[norda.livejournal.com]

I am very, very pleased to call you Anton.

A toast to being you!

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

Anton is perfect. Love you.

xo
C.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

Congrats on your name, Anton. It feels like a good fit for you to me. :)

[psylent1.livejournal.com]

Since we are just getting to know each other, the change to Anton might be easier for me than your longtime friends. I've already changed your email address. :)

[brienze.livejournal.com]

Because if it's on my iPhone, it must be true :)

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

Hello, Anton! Welcome to your wonderful new name. I'd welcome you to the deep power that comes from claiming your stories, your life, as YOURS, but you clearly are no stranger to that territory.

[schmidtybooger.livejournal.com]

I almost want to say, "Welcome to the world, Anton," but that doesn't seem right because you've always been here.

I am so glad you remember who you are and are taking the steps to be the person you want to be. Love to you.

[siria.livejournal.com]

Hello, Anton! What a fabulous name. And it reminds me of Erich Kästner, too, which is never a bad thing :)

[raayat.livejournal.com]

And a good day to you, Anton.

[bodlon.livejournal.com]

Anton. Nice.

*fistbump of awesome*

[sykii.livejournal.com]

It is wonderful to read this. Hi Anton!

[in-thy-bounty.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on this step!

[sineala.livejournal.com]

I think Anton is an excellent name for you. Congratulations!

I will now be reminded of Anton Gorodetsky from the Night Watch series. I hope you don't mind.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That is AWESOME.