I am not the center of the universe, and this is all about me.

[threeplusfire]

I'm waiting for the spots on the floor to dry before I get back to exercising. (I really, really loved our floors that can be cleaned with Windex and a swiffer. Swiffers win over brooms for sweeping though I want to find some reusable alternatives for the cloths.) So while I wait, I will write.

A lot of things contributed to this post. Several blog posts I've seen in the past few days on the internet, the book I'm reading right now, a really unpleasant snowballing argument from several weeks ago, yesterday's therapy and the long conversation I had with Mike last night. It all deals in one way or another with the fear of persecution, the imaginary chorus in our heads, and projecting your own issues onto other people.

That's a very long and circuitous route to saying this - I need to stop imagining I am at the center of everyone's thoughts and judgments.

What triggers this for me is the subject of my family. I obsess constantly over the idea that people are judging me with regards to the choices I've made about my family. I worry that any time I write about how I feel about my parents or my sister that I'm committing offenses against people I know, that they are hurt and angry and upset with me. It is important to note that no one has ever actually done this here, that this fear is in some ways irrational and it only leads to this cycle of thinking that causes anger and pushes me away from people.

My choices about what to do with my family are my own. They do not reflect on anyone else's experience. I am not judging anyone else with my choices. It sounds so simple, but I have to work to remind myself of the truth in that.

Comments

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

This post resonates a lot with me . . . it rather speaks to the heart of why self-change and growth is difficult-- it's all about finding the balance between self-obsession and self-care.

The fact that you are dealing with emotional fallout from making hard-choices is absolutely understandable though-- and potentially you are going through something of a grieving process for the person that was put in an emotionally (and physically) abusive situation for so long. That's often how it feel to me, anyway.

Anyhow, enough armchair psychology from me. I think you're going through fantastic changes, and I'm very honored to be sharing it with you.

[mielikki.livejournal.com]

I see this a lot with my brother. The only thing about cutting off contact with my Dad that has bothered him seems to be in how it affects me and if I think he screwed up. He knows he made the right decision, but worries that I think he didn't try hard enough, or something. I completely support his decision (and am even sometimes envious about it) and completely support yours too, for what it's worth.

[daysprings.livejournal.com]

I often wonder if people read my tortured posts about my parents and either roll their eyes (like oh no, not again) or judge me. I don't know why I feel this way -- it wouldn't occur to me to judge you or anyone else dealing with family issues.

[brienze.livejournal.com]

I have the solution to your swiffer question:
http://ravel.me/texturedknitter/w123v

I've got to churn out two lace scarves before the end of October, for my mom's best friend to choose between for her son's wedding. After that I can add more swiffer covers to my list. =)

Also, going into my Ravelry to make a public link for that project reminded me that I can't find the lock icon on your posts lately? Has the past week or so been public, or is there something weird going on with how it displays security level again?