my own suicide

[threeplusfire]

I don't watch Glee, because there are so many reasons I can't. But I hear a lot about it, because one of my best friends writes really interesting things about the show and its place in current culture and fandom and art and the world. So I sort of know, more or less, what is generally happening because it fills up Tumblr and my friendslist. That's nice in a way, because I can learn about the cool stuff and read the good fic without having to actually watch the show and deal with how hard it punches my buttons about high school.

Today that's really goddamn hard. Because apparently the most recent episode of Glee deals with suicide.

I tried to kill myself when I was sixteen. (written about here and more recently here) It's a strange thing to think about, outside that moment. I'm terrified of dying. It's my worst fear. But I remember that day and how everything built up that year and culminated in swallowing dozens and dozens of pills with a can of Coca Cola, sitting on the floor by my bedroom window. I remember with eerie clarity how fucked I knew I was, twirling the stereo knob so that the sound of the Kraftwerk album would obliterate everything else. That morning I read a story and in that story there was death. I was so hurt and messed up and scared that for some reason my mind went "Yep, death, that is the answer to this hole you can't get out of anymore."

It wasn't a bad grade that tripped me up. It was winning, over and over again, at a competition that weekend. It was winning those prizes and knowing that it didn't mean a damn thing, that come the next school day I would be back at the mercy of a lunatic teacher and a world full of adults who would not listen. It was knowing that I was trapped, halfway through my junior year with someone I could not get away from and could not fight back against who relentlessly savaged already shaky self esteem and sanity.

Despite my efforts, I survived. It's never gotten quite that bad in the fifteen years since. I've had some dark moments and I recall sitting on the edge of the bath tub during my first marriage wondering if suicide was going to become an option again. I've hurt myself six ways to Sunday in the intervening years, but I've never actively, seriously tried to die again. But it has shaped my entire life in the years since.

I am so unbelievably lucky. I survived without catastrophic brain damage though there are gaps in my memory that have never filled from that year as of a result of the antidepressants I was made to take and the overdose. My life is a millions times better now that it was then. I feel safer and saner all around. For whatever reason, I was lucky.

Every story is different. You just absolutely do not know what it will take to break you until it comes.


Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
Crisis Chat Online: www.crisischat.org

Comments

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

Every story is different. You just absolutely do not know what it will take to break you until it comes.

This is such an eloquent way to put it. Thank you for sharing your story, and for linking to all of these great resources. I'm glad you're here.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading. It was hard to find the right words to sum up what I was feeling.

[splix.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting this. Since a friend of mine killed himself a couple of weeks ago, I've been thinking about it a lot.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about you, carrying that sadness. Being on the outside of a suicide is such a helpless, strange place in some ways. (Some months before I attempted, a friend killed himself.)

[dine.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were lucky and extremely glad you're still here!

I don't always watch Glee and avoided last night's ep, mostly because of the topic. I'm just as glad I did, as a friend's detailed review of the ep makes it clear it was very badly handled. (contains spoilers for the “On My Way” episode of Glee, trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting aspect of the show that I hadn't read about much so far. There's a lot of different perspectives on the suicide and how the show dealt with many different sides of it. Letters from Titan has written a lot of interesting stuff about the show you might be interested in reading!

[kindness_says]

This was really interesting to read (plus the other two entries)... I feel like "interesting" sounds really impersonal, but, no, sincerely. Thanks for sharing. I'm not as good at talking about this frankly in entries, of course, but I was talking to someone else about it in comments recently, the...long and complicated relationships we have with suicide and the idea of being suicidal, and then a friend of mine posted about Glee and I was like, oh dear God. x_x So naturally it's all over the place now... Eurgh.

Extra-glad you're here so I got to know you, anyway. <3

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Interesting is a compliment though, because I often wonder if I'm just being very self indulgent writing about my experiences. So it gratifies me to know that it does something for someone outside of my own head.

The topic is so fraught, as you point out. We all have some relation to the idea, be it personal or artistic. I was a teenager when Kurt Cobain killed himself, and I would be a liar to say that didn't have some impact on my life. I don't often write about the subject, outside of my yearly observance of the anniversary for myself. But it was overwhelming yesterday and I knew it just wouldn't let me go until I wrote it out. But that's such a different feeling from how it was even just a few years ago. It's taken me a long time to really, honestly come to terms with it.

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I love when you write.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. <3

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're here.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Me too. I would never have experienced the glory and terror of LJ if I have not made it, and that alone is worth living. :)

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

*squash*

I also tried to commit suicide when I was 16. I've struggled with suicidal ideation too. Two people at the coffee shop have asked me about suicide lately and I do not what to say beyond YES LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

*makes pies, shares*

It's just epidemic right now - I don't know what is in the air. But gods above, I'd like it to stop and everyone to stop hurting so much.

[fauxfille.livejournal.com]

I never attempted it, but I once remember a summer where I barely ate food and lost so much weight my clothes were hanging off of me. I was about 15 and completely unconsolable. I am glad I survived and very happy you did, too. So glad you are here. Peace and thanks for your thoughtful writing. I have been offline for many months, but stopped on here to write again.