there and back again

[threeplusfire]

This morning was the funeral mass, and it was so much harder than I expected. I thought the viewing yesterday was going to be the worst of it. But I think being in the same church I was just in six months ago for her sister's wedding made it that much more painful.

About the middle of the day I realized I was on the ragged edge, and I just could not bear to see them put that metallic blue casket in the ground. I just couldn't. So I drove beside her funeral procession for a mile, and then took the highway home.

The night I arrived in town, her father was talking to some cousins around the kitchen table. He showed them his iPhone 4S and how you could ask it to do things like call home and the phone would dial the house number. Then her father asked Siri to bring his daughter back. That moment is going to haunt me forever. There were a lot of moments where I felt far older than I have ever felt, like things were unfolding on a movie screen instead of actually happening.

I suppose it was good to do this, because I was useful in small ways and there was a lot of formal ways to deal with the grief. But I'm so tired and I just feel so helpless in the face of things.

Driving to and from Houston the sky was something amazing. I think the sky in Texas always looked better than anywhere else, because it is so big. The whole way down it was a watercolor of blue and grey and white. It was so immense, unfurling over me.

I'm so sad you're gone.

Comments

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

*squish*

I am so sorry you're hurting and I will think good thoughts for you and your friend's family.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It was just so hard and sad to watch the family grieving. She was the youngest of three, and I just can't imagine them without her.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

It must be a truly horrible, horrible thing to have to bury a child. :(

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Her parents are taking it so hard. I would have given anything to make it less painful for them.

[kindness_says]

I'm kind of unclear based on the past couple entries how well you knew this person, I guess, so I had not realized you'd be in so much ongoing contact with her family... Or maybe it's just the way it was set up or whatever, but oh god.

Sending...thoughts. Well. You know.

</3

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

She is the little sister of one of my oldest friends, and I have spent a lot of time around the family over the years. I've known her for more than a decade. When I last saw her for Mel's wedding in October, I remember thinking that she seemed to have really grown into this complete person from the teenager I first met.

Re:

[kindness_says]

Oh god - how old (was) she?

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

She was twenty eight.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

There are never any really healing words to say when something like this happens but I want you to know I'm thinking of you. I admire your willingness to go to the funeral even though it must have been very hard. xo ~ L

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It was hard, no lie. Funerals are high on my list of least appealing possible activities ever. But I couldn't let them do it without doing anything, you know?

[halfacork.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

Ice fell from the sky here.

It seems like there are omens everywhere.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

God what a strange winter this has been.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you were able to be there, and I'm so sorry you are grieving this loss. I'm thinking of you, and her family, and her. Sending white light to all of you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I thought to myself in the car, ladypeculiar was brave enough to go to that memorial service and everything, so I can be brave too. Thank you.

[ladypeculiar.livejournal.com]

Oh, love. Thank you for saying that.

The rituals help. They're excruciating and sad, but they do help. At least, they help more than it hurts not to go. Being able to show up for Jed's family brought me a lot of peace. Sending you lots of hugs.

[misti-k.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's such a strange, hard thing.