state of self
Mar. 27th, 2012 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireI've not felt very compelled to write in any way for the past month.
Heather's death hit me harder than I could have imagined. It kicked my anxiety into overdrive and that is only starting to calm down. While I managed to avoid the more ugly parts of my subconscious, it has done some unraveling of tightly bound issues in the dark corners. There's not a lot to do about those things except make some peace with living with them.
I can tell just how much this shook me in my tendency to want to scrawl song lyrics on everything like my miserable teenage self. Since we don't carry about binders and notebooks anymore, that tends to go digital. I've mostly refrained. Tumblr though, that's like having an epic forever slambook making the rounds.
The flip side of everything is that in the past month, I've become really involved in a forum elsewhere on the internet. It was something of a lark when I first joined, and it's grown into a genuinely lovely part of my life.
Don't ask me how much money I've spent on music in the past month. A lot. (Alien Vampires, Blutengel, Hocico, Deadmau5, Die Antwoord, Biffy Clyro, etc) But it is so worth it. Somewhere recently I realized I'm going to be 32 fucking years old, and I can damn well just do things like listen to industrial music without shame. I love to dance even if I'm terrible or short or not the best. I can have whatever ridiculous haircut I want to have and no one can stop me.
I'm working at reforming some of my disordered eating habits which is a chore but so necessary. Until I started writing down what I was eating every day, I had no idea just how crazy that was getting. One day would be nothing, another would be everything. So yeah, that's an ongoing project.
Still need to get my oil changed. Must continue working without going crazy. Must be a responsible adult, clean the house and do the laundry and stuff. (I did clean up my disaster of a work space the other night.) Spring is here, full of wildflowers and leaves. I think the hammock we bought is the best thing we've done in some time. I often go eat my lunch out there, swinging a little in the breeze. Almost overnight the leaves appeared on the crepe myrtle and the sky curves so brightly blue over everything.
Finally, I keep thinking this needs to be some aerobic exercise from hell song. I think I really just want to see people in workout clothes and leg warmers jumping around to it. I don't know why. Also I love this song and I really really hope Wikipedia isn't fucking me over by saying they are supposed to be opening for Rammstein this year.
Heather's death hit me harder than I could have imagined. It kicked my anxiety into overdrive and that is only starting to calm down. While I managed to avoid the more ugly parts of my subconscious, it has done some unraveling of tightly bound issues in the dark corners. There's not a lot to do about those things except make some peace with living with them.
I can tell just how much this shook me in my tendency to want to scrawl song lyrics on everything like my miserable teenage self. Since we don't carry about binders and notebooks anymore, that tends to go digital. I've mostly refrained. Tumblr though, that's like having an epic forever slambook making the rounds.
The flip side of everything is that in the past month, I've become really involved in a forum elsewhere on the internet. It was something of a lark when I first joined, and it's grown into a genuinely lovely part of my life.
Don't ask me how much money I've spent on music in the past month. A lot. (Alien Vampires, Blutengel, Hocico, Deadmau5, Die Antwoord, Biffy Clyro, etc) But it is so worth it. Somewhere recently I realized I'm going to be 32 fucking years old, and I can damn well just do things like listen to industrial music without shame. I love to dance even if I'm terrible or short or not the best. I can have whatever ridiculous haircut I want to have and no one can stop me.
I'm working at reforming some of my disordered eating habits which is a chore but so necessary. Until I started writing down what I was eating every day, I had no idea just how crazy that was getting. One day would be nothing, another would be everything. So yeah, that's an ongoing project.
Still need to get my oil changed. Must continue working without going crazy. Must be a responsible adult, clean the house and do the laundry and stuff. (I did clean up my disaster of a work space the other night.) Spring is here, full of wildflowers and leaves. I think the hammock we bought is the best thing we've done in some time. I often go eat my lunch out there, swinging a little in the breeze. Almost overnight the leaves appeared on the crepe myrtle and the sky curves so brightly blue over everything.
Finally, I keep thinking this needs to be some aerobic exercise from hell song. I think I really just want to see people in workout clothes and leg warmers jumping around to it. I don't know why. Also I love this song and I really really hope Wikipedia isn't fucking me over by saying they are supposed to be opening for Rammstein this year.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-28 04:23 pm (UTC)I'm glad things are a bit better for you.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-28 04:49 pm (UTC)Things are always change. It's nice for it to be good change.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 12:22 pm (UTC)Hmmm.
Better at food! We'll do that together. Ooh, I should eat something before I shower...
<333
More later, perhaps, but I'm vague in my presence because I'm ~fixing all the things, so I guess that's good...
<333333333
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 01:50 pm (UTC)We can fix all the things. Fixing stuff is good. Fix things! Be merry! <3
no subject
Date: 2012-03-29 02:53 pm (UTC)Yes, and remember to take good advice from people, and discard advice that doesn't apply to you.** (I just had one of my many life-under-supervision meetings.) <33333!!!!
**and be careful not to confuse the two. :D This is the killer...