(no subject)

[threeplusfire]

I had a minor moment of hysterics today.

See, I have been so focused on "being positive! all! the! time!" about what's happening because I feel like I have to be in some ways. But my natural inclinations are anything but positive. I'm a terribly pessimistic person in a lot of ways. I'm superstitious. I'm afraid of being too happy, lest the universe decide to knock me back into place.

So I've been really, really afraid. I've been afraid to even say I'm afraid. I know that odds are in my favor, that I've made it through much more invasive surgery before just fine. But there's something viscerally frightening to some degree about the amount of external change about to happen even though it is absolutely what I want and need.

Additionally I haven't been sleeping well and my appetite has been off, probably because of the gigantic vitamins I'm taking every day. I quit soda cold last week, because the ginseng in Pepsi Max conflicts with the vitamins in some way that's not good. Uh, I also smoked all last month and then had to quit that the day of the surgical consult for obvious reasons. (FYI, if you're tempted to take me to task over smoking, don't even. I have no ability to cope with a lecture.)

So, that's where I am. I am trying not to lose my mind from the circling, ceaseless anxiety demons. Today I said fuck it and drove around for forty minutes, listening to loud music. It helped a little.

Comments

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

Surgery and pills the size of golf balls are kind of stressors, no matter how good a cause they're for; you're holding together really well. I recommend any possibly iteration of driving, music, and pie :D

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I am a little nervous FOR you. Of course I am anxious about a stupid competition that I know I about to also be disqualified from so my sanity is not dependable.

This is a really big deal and I am glad you are going to make this change, but hell yeah OMFG.

[splix.livejournal.com]

Totally understandable - hang in there.

[violetisblue.livejournal.com]

"But there's something viscerally frightening to some degree about the amount of external change about to happen even though it is absolutely what I want and need."

Which feelings are as normal as normal can possibly be, especially since that external change is a giant step forward. But it'll all work out. And better to acknowledge those feelings than to try to shove them under a ~*positivity!*~ rug.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

This is a big step and even though it's what you want that doesn't mean it's not scary. I would be worried if you were NOT experiencing some anxiety.

So... That being said, I've been through top surgery although in my case it was bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer. (And I had tissue expanders placed at the same time for eventual reconstruction.) I'm also an RN. If I can help calm the anxiety by answering any questions I'm happy to help.

[theotoky.livejournal.com]

What everyone else has already said PLUS much love to you.

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

I kept thinking we need to have lunch after my trial was done, but wow! Next week! Let's definitely make a plan for a celebratory lunch after you're all better and feeling up to getting out. Love you, A.

[kythryne.livejournal.com]

If you want a partner in misery, I'm also kind of freaking out about my surgery, right down to the not eating and sleeping. Brain weasels SUCK.

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I've been out of pocket; I don't get my internet back until this evening, so I missed this yesterday.

I just want you to know that I love you. All this is stressful, even though it's also the best decision you can make for yourself. Even good big changes are still big changes, and that takes a toll on us emotionally. You're entitled to your fear, and your coping mechanism of choice. We only have the capacity to worry about so many things all at one time, so it's not worth piling on the "shoulds."

For what it's worth, I know you'll be fine. And if you need me to, I'll be positive while you worry.

Call or email me if you need to talk about any of this.

*HUGS*

[marz]

*hugs*

All changes are hard to deal with even if they are changes that will result in a better life for ourselves.

You have lots of support here and at home. :D

[eroticcakejob.livejournal.com]

It's going to be awesome.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

Even though it probably doesn't feel great, this all seems like a good thing. You're feeling all the angles of this big happening, which is healthy and smart, to really dive in to the whole experience.

Sending an extra loud boost for your music that soothes your nerves a bit more.