slow, then fast, slow again
May. 5th, 2012 07:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
threeplusfireWhile in a lot of ways this has been a relatively gentle physical recovery, it's been hard on my brain. I want to be doing so much and limiting myself is crazy making. Yesterday I dropped my wireless mouse and just getting down to where I could reach it on the floor was brutal. Small things still feel exhausting. I can't lift anything over five pounds, which means most everything I normally do. I actually broke down and spoke quite sharply to Mike about how the state of the house was making me rage, because I couldn't clean the way I normally would and he wasn't doing anything. (Which is sorted now, and it's really just about how he doesn't realize things because he doesn't see them and I wasn't asking him directly to do things he doesn't normally do. Its fine and he cleaned the living room floor for me yesterday and did some laundry.)
But some lingering pain as muscles stretch and scars heal, it remains good. I would really like my nipples to finish healing, because my skin is so tired of the bandage tape and I'm out of ways to alter placement. Ugh. The hard thing now is going to be correcting my posture. Years of slouching/slumping need to be unlearned. I'm trying every day to take times to remind myself to sit up straight, shoulders back, as much as I can.
Sleeping still sucks because I'm not quite where I can sleep on my side or stomach for awhile yet, so the only decent option remains the sofa. Because I'm sitting more up, I'm less likely to roll. It is profoundly annoying though as I've realized the cats get up at 6am regardless of what anyone else does. The cats have actually been making me completely nuts, in their ability to find the worst possible moment to throw up a hairball or howl. I feel sort of guilty that I've actually had moments where I wanted to toss them into the yard. I am not at my most generous when I am sleep deprived and in pain. I make it through the day sometimes dozing off in the middle of the afternoon or just going to bed early for me.
So mostly I'm torn between wanting to do all the things right now and not doing much. But it okay, because it leads to good things.
I did start working again, a few shifts this week. It's been brutal in that I'm so slow at it right now. Rusty. Out of practice. Also, frankly, it's hard to invest myself in my work right now. There are other things I want to be doing. But I need to save up for my vacation, and new tattoos and new clothes and all the things, so this hill must be conquered.
My anxiety has flared briefly and terribly. But its okay. I deal. A week or two of solid Valium helps with that and I sort of hope that gives my brain a little reboot on that score. Because it is easy for me to tell now when it is entirely just my brain picking up disparate things and whirring into an awful mess. It's not real, I remind myself. It's just not real.
Today I have a little bit of a headache. Possibly because I drank a lot of celebratory wine last night. And I may have broken my favorite corkscrew and the other one we have is ridiculous, so I ended up corking the damn wine and dumping it all into an iced tea pitcher. Oh well. Today is the very last day or my giant surgical vitamins which kept me from being too bruised or swollen and I had to toast their passing somehow.
TL;DR - I'm sore, annoyed with not being able to do things yet, but I'm still pretty good.
But some lingering pain as muscles stretch and scars heal, it remains good. I would really like my nipples to finish healing, because my skin is so tired of the bandage tape and I'm out of ways to alter placement. Ugh. The hard thing now is going to be correcting my posture. Years of slouching/slumping need to be unlearned. I'm trying every day to take times to remind myself to sit up straight, shoulders back, as much as I can.
Sleeping still sucks because I'm not quite where I can sleep on my side or stomach for awhile yet, so the only decent option remains the sofa. Because I'm sitting more up, I'm less likely to roll. It is profoundly annoying though as I've realized the cats get up at 6am regardless of what anyone else does. The cats have actually been making me completely nuts, in their ability to find the worst possible moment to throw up a hairball or howl. I feel sort of guilty that I've actually had moments where I wanted to toss them into the yard. I am not at my most generous when I am sleep deprived and in pain. I make it through the day sometimes dozing off in the middle of the afternoon or just going to bed early for me.
So mostly I'm torn between wanting to do all the things right now and not doing much. But it okay, because it leads to good things.
I did start working again, a few shifts this week. It's been brutal in that I'm so slow at it right now. Rusty. Out of practice. Also, frankly, it's hard to invest myself in my work right now. There are other things I want to be doing. But I need to save up for my vacation, and new tattoos and new clothes and all the things, so this hill must be conquered.
My anxiety has flared briefly and terribly. But its okay. I deal. A week or two of solid Valium helps with that and I sort of hope that gives my brain a little reboot on that score. Because it is easy for me to tell now when it is entirely just my brain picking up disparate things and whirring into an awful mess. It's not real, I remind myself. It's just not real.
Today I have a little bit of a headache. Possibly because I drank a lot of celebratory wine last night. And I may have broken my favorite corkscrew and the other one we have is ridiculous, so I ended up corking the damn wine and dumping it all into an iced tea pitcher. Oh well. Today is the very last day or my giant surgical vitamins which kept me from being too bruised or swollen and I had to toast their passing somehow.
TL;DR - I'm sore, annoyed with not being able to do things yet, but I'm still pretty good.
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no subject
Date: 2012-05-05 07:11 pm (UTC)Have you started considering designs?
no subject
Date: 2012-05-05 10:23 pm (UTC)Sarah's tattoo is giving me such envy!
no subject
Date: 2012-05-06 03:46 am (UTC)These giant surgical vitamins sound magical. I wish to procure some for my very own!
no subject
Date: 2012-05-06 06:00 pm (UTC)