it's not what I planned at all

[threeplusfire]

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the difference between now and then. The hardest thing for me about getting older is that I remember too much and not enough. Sometimes I can't remember things and it terrifies me, the weight of so many days between the start and the finish. I wish I could remember the last time I saw someone, the last things I said, where we went. Other days I wish I could forget. I feel burdened with too many thoughts, too many associations. Everything links to something else. I can't get away from the chain of connections and I feel sick to my stomach wondering about it.

I am not good at being happy with the things that really matter.

On my birthday, my friends threw me a party. I haven't had an honest to god birthday party for something like half my life. They filled up the entire private dining area at my favorite Russian restaurant. It's not exactly a cheap place and I was shocked so many people came. I praised Eugene for his social coordinating skills. He looked at me and said that it didn't matter what he did to invite people, that they came because they wanted to hang out with me. It took me aback. I spend most of the time feeling like a shadow, someone lingering on the fringes of things who might be enjoyed but isn't a desirable companion in my own right.

I know this is dumb. But I cried because these people planned a party in secret and showed up just because it was my birthday.

I was in love with someone last year. We don't speak at all now. There's a tiny sliver of me that still hurts about it, because I feel the fool and because for a moment there I thought it was real.

It is almost a year since James died. We will never be the same age again.

Being sick for two weeks has made it easy not to smoke. But I want to smoke.

Comments

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

I owe you a birthday lunch!!! Let's do it! In trial next week, but I am hoping to get a break soon. We may finish Thursday, or maybe the guy will plead. Anyway, let's do our usual email logistic dance and figure it out! xo

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

*hugs* & <3

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the difference between now and then.
I get that. A lot.

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

I wish I could have been at your birthday. It looked like a fun party, and I'm glad you had a good time surrounded by so many people who love you.

I get a lot of the other things you're saying here, too, so I want to share something I realized recently. Most of my life I figured that happiness would be something like finding a key and opening a lock. Once the lock was opening, everything would be sunny and I'd be content. But that's just not the way it works (would that it were). Apparently, happiness is hard fucking work in the sense that every day must be taken for what it is. Every day is different; some are good and some are bad and happiness comes to us on waves. It's unrealistic to expect perfect happiness of ourselves every day, and frankly some days just don't warrant it.

I'm starting to figure out that the trick isn't finding magical happiness key and opening the lock, but more like figuring out how be loving and kind to myself as I face each new day and the things it brings.

*HUGS*

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! Right on target.

[in-thy-bounty.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday! I'm glad there was a party to celebrate the awesomeness that is you!

[samostatnost.livejournal.com]

"I was in love with someone last year. We don't speak at all now. There's a tiny sliver of me that still hurts about it, because I feel the fool and because for a moment there I thought it was real." I really feel you on that. It's a terrible loss.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

I have this habit of tabbing posts for later that look too important or interesting to let go by. This was one such post...

It gave me a lot to think about. I totally hear you on the wishing I could remember the good stuff and forget the bad stuff*. I wish I knew you in person, but it sounds like many people do. And I'm really glad that they were able to show up on your birthday.


*Apparently memories of good stuff and bad stuff are held in different places in the brain, which is why they are of differing ease to recall.