blow out the candles

[threeplusfire]

It feels like autumn for the first time today, the real change. Even though the angle of the sunlight shifted weeks ago, and this October has been much cooler than last year. But today it was the light, the pattern of clouds and the sight of a single leaf drifting down that brought it home. It wasn't autumn this morning. It is now.

Not having a functional relationship with a person doesn't prevent you from having to deal with grief when they die. I keep thinking about how these are the first things that my father won't exist for, that something about the foundations of my existence are rockier now. Like when James died last year, and I thought about how I was the only one now living to carry certain memories.

It's fucked up and weird. I am more depressed than I would like to admit to being, and it is made worse by how everyone sees a functional, responsible adult when I feel anything but that.

Today I did my best to be a productive human being. I picked out our pumpkin at last, a nice perfect orange. I bought groceries. I went crazy and got my Yuletide candy swap purchased and sent today even though we just got our assignments this morning. Also mailed a box of candy, Franklin's espresso barbecue sauce and pecans to my friend in England that I've meant to send for awhile.

Sunday I start a new job. It's a seasonal retail thing. I hope the scheduling won't suck too much. I'm very anxious about it.

Comments

[brienze.livejournal.com]

Congrats on getting the job! When you know how far ahead you get scheduled for, I'll send you the itinerary for my epic trip to La Grange. In addition to checking out the yarn shop and bringing Hruska's home, apparently there's a really good restaurant with its own pie shop, and also a dairy that has a petting zoo and tours and lets you buy raw milk and cheeses. Other than making sure all of the above are open, the timing of the trip doesn't matter to me. So if it sounds fun I'm happy to plan around your work schedule.

[ahestele.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[alainn-sorcha.livejournal.com]

*all the hugs*

I never feel like a functioning, responsible adult even though that's clearly what I am. That's also clearly what you are and you are doing a good job getting through this. It is (terribly) just one of those things that sucks a lot until it sucks less and you just get to the other side any way you can.

I hope the new job helps and gives you something distracting and fun to do for a while.

hi

[twilight.livejournal.com]

Dang, it's been a while. Don't know how I got back here. Oh yeah, I clicked on my last entry and saw a comment from you and clicked on it. You're probably one of the few from my old friends list that is STILL posting - wow.

Anyway, I think I lost my father a year before I quit LJ. Even though I still really needed LJ. Hell, I still need it, really.

My father still is with me every single day. Just 2 days ago I heard a song on the sat radio - "I'll Be Seeing You," and remembered that we played it at his funeral. And it wasn't until 7 years later that the lyrics really meant something to me.

Anyhow. I just wanted to stop by and give you a virtual hug. -T

Re: hi

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking about you recently, wondering how you are doing. LJ is the time capsule that never quits.

All the death of the past year has been hard to deal with, and undermines any feeling I have of being an adult.

Thank you for coming by.

Re: hi

[twilight.livejournal.com]

I am so glad I downloaded my entire LJ while the function was still available.

Grief similarly always makes me feel as if I'm losing my mind and returning to the angst of my teenage years.

At some point, however, I've realized (ironically) that who I've become as a result makes me so much mature than someone who hasn't yet been through all this...