with teeth

[threeplusfire]

DAY TWELVE: we want to see your teeth today

What the ever loving hell? My teeth are fine but I am disinclined to post a photo of them.

We're going to go with metaphorical teeth instead.

Today I went to see a therapist. Because underneath I'm hanging on by my fingertips, because there is this mix of grief and rage and depression like acid on my bones. Because something happened last week that was not the worst thing in the world or even the worst thing to ever happen in that bar but I woke up so full of shame I wanted to die from it.

It has been over a decade since I cut myself or otherwise hurt myself to deal with my emotions. But the urge is strong. I know I'm seriously depressed because my appetite is gone. That's a really, really bad sign for me. I'm never not interested in food. Except now and I've had to start forcing myself to eat meals so I don't lose my mind.

But I don't really want to die. I don't. I don't want to hurt anyone else, so that also rules out hurting myself. So. Therapy it is then.

I got really lucky right off the bat. (Thanks in large part to Mike for doing the initial work of finding therapists in the area.) The guy I met with today is easy to talk with, inquisitive, thoughtful and not from here. He's not the granola hippie Buddhist type that 90% of therapists here are either. (Buddhists are lovely people and hippies are too but no. Just no. That frame of mind is not going to help me.) He doesn't seem afraid, which was a problem with the last therapist I saw a few years ago.

So that's where I am.

Really if you want to help, ask me if I've gone to the gym. Because that's my homework. Gym. Or find me a magic robot maid because I can't be fucked about cleaning the house.


DAY ONE: introduce yourself / list your likes and dislikes
DAY TWO: make a bullet list of everything that happened in your day
DAY THREE: your favorite movie
DAY FOUR: a photo of you taken over ten years ago
DAY FIVE: a letter to your crush
DAY SIX: list what you ate today
DAY SEVEN: a youtube video that you find funny
DAY EIGHT: a photo of you taken recently
DAY NINE: list some of your favorite websites
DAY TEN: a letter to the person you hate the most or caused you a lot of pain
DAY ELEVEN: share your favorite recipe

DAY THIRTEEN: whatever tickles your fancy
DAY FOURTEEN: a song from your childhood
DAY FIFTEEN: a letter to someone you wish you could meet
DAY SIXTEEN: provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
DAY SEVENTEEN: a photo that makes you sad
DAY EIGHTEEN: set or share a goal
DAY NINETEEN: whatever tickles your fancy
DAY TWENTY: a letter to someone that changed your life
DAY TWENTY-ONE: your favorite television program
DAY TWENTY-TWO: a photo that makes you happy
DAY TWENTY-THREE: share one of your current favorite tunes
DAY TWENTY-FOUR: a letter to yourself a year ago
DAY TWENTY-FIVE: a letter to someone you judged by their first impression
DAY TWENTY-SIX: favorite books
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: a talent of yours
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: favorite places to shop
DAY TWENTY-NINE: provide the hex code of your favorite color
DAY THIRTY: a letter to the friendliest person you knew for only one day
DAY THIRTY-ONE: whatever tickles your fancy
DAY THIRTY-TWO: a photo you took
DAY THIRTY-THREE: what you're craving right now
DAY THIRTY-FOUR: your favorite quote
DAY THIRTY-FIVE: a letter to an ex
DAY THIRTY-SIX: some hobbies of yours
DAY THIRTY-SEVEN: a song that you like to dance to
DAY THIRTY-EIGHT: a photo of your parent(s)
DAY THIRTY-NINE: zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
DAY FORTY: a letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to
DAY FORTY-ONE: whatever tickles your fancy
DAY FORTY-TWO: bad habit(s) you have
DAY FORTY-THREE: a picture of your favorite place in the world
DAY FORTY-FOUR: something that fascinates you and why
DAY FORTY-FIVE: whatever tickles your fancy
DAY FORTY-SIX: photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc.)
DAY FORTY-SEVEN: birthday wish list
DAY FORTY-EIGHT: a photo of you right now
DAY FORTY-NINE: hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
DAY FIFTY: a letter to your reflection in the mirror

Comments

[passionnante.livejournal.com]

Did you make it to the gym?

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I am loading up my mp3 player with the Chvrches album right now and about to head out the door. I've never gone this early!

[passionnante.livejournal.com]

Hope it helped! I always seek out the quieter hours when I can. I prefer to huff and puff in relative calm of mid afternoon, before all the pretty young things come out to play.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I tend to go in the middle of the day too. Less people, better television.

I ran my 5.52 miles and it was good.

[rachel2205.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things have been so difficult the past few months. I hope this new therapist helps!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I feel good about this guy. My previous therapy experiences were bad, bad, bad. Like criminally bad. But I'm really hoping this will be different and I'm going to do my honest best to work with him.

[cymry.livejournal.com]

I'm always wary of therapists - I've been to 3 so far and each has been unhelpful (though not actually BAD, I suppose). I keep thinking I should go back, try someone new, because obviously I'm not dealing on my own.

So glad to hear you found one that makes sense for you.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I hear that. It is really hard to find a good one. Worse than dating, I think.

[splix.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've found someone effective. I hope he can help you. I'm pulling for you too, for what it's worth. Hugs if you want them.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's so weird and terrifying - like I don't even know where to start with it. (I guess maybe the therapist will.)

Thank you for the hugs.