when all those shadows almost killed your light

[threeplusfire]

One day I'm up. The next day I'm down. It is these little fractures.

I am so angry. And sad. And afraid. But I am also doing some of the best work I've ever done, and I'm fiercely proud of myself for how hard I'm working on not being a complete fuck up. Yeah, I haven't turned on the roomba all week or cleaned anything. But I haven't hit anything until I broke a bone in my hand (which honestly is what I've wanted to do for the better part of a week) and I have continued to try to act mostly sensibly in terms of eating and sleeping and drinking and exercising.

My job loves me. The people in my life love me. Even if I can't make myself see why. I would hate to disappoint them by coming apart.

My therapist is pushing me to try to do some things towards my transition that I've put off. How scared and upset this makes me is astounding.

But the thing is - if you don't admit to wanting something no one can walk up and take it away from you. Having to depend on people, people with power over your life like doctors and courts and insurance companies and psychiatrists - is it any wonder that makes me want to run screaming in the other direction? God I am afraid. It would be so easy for them all to say "no" and take this away from me.

I saw something on tumblr that said "If you want things in your life to change, you have to change your life." It hurt, and it feels true.

Comments

[kythryne.livejournal.com]

Last night at the slam, I did a poem that is the hardest thing I've ever written. You could have heard a pin drop while I was reading, about half the audience yelled variations of "HELL NO that score was too low YOU DONE FUCKED UP" at the judges, and about half a dozen people came up to me to talk about it afterwards, including a couple of people from my writing group who saw a very early rough draft. One of them said "I have to tell you, you're never going to win a slam with a pantoum, but you did a DAMN good job with that piece." And I told him that I'd read something recently that hit me hard and stuck with me: "don't do the poem that you think will win the slam. Do the poem that you need to have heard."

He high-fived me and told me I was doing it right.

So yeah. Do the poem that you need to have heard.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this friend.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

I read all of this. And I am listening and hurting with you as much as another person can.

Hang in there. Your dreams and needs are real and they matter.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'm trying hard to remind myself to hold onto the moments when it feels alright as a talisman against the dark.

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

I don't say much, but I know you--and I know you always find your way, even when it leaves you bloody, even when you would rather not, even when it takes everything you have to fight your way to it. You always find your way. It's what makes me love you more than there are words to say.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It is staggering to see myself from someone else's side because I never think of myself this way.

Thank you.

[cymry.livejournal.com]

I'm having a very similar kind of week, emotion-wise. It makes me feel a little less alone to know I'm not the only one feeling it, even if our reasons are probably nothing alike.

Hold on.