you know she's dreaming

[threeplusfire]

I often wake up with my jaw clenched. Usually I don't notice it til I try to yawn, just how hard I'm holding it together. I suppose it's due to the increasingly violent and strange character of my dreams.

But this morning it was something else, much worse. Due to my odd position, my left forearm was completely numb. I picked it up with my other hand and it felt like the arm of someone else. Like a dead person's arm.

If I talk about it much, they just look at me strangely.

I stayed up late last night talking to Melynda and smoking cigarettes on the balcony. The feeling I get is one I don't know how to describe without sounding overwrought or ridiculous. So let us just say that I treasure those moments.

Is it strange to wonder if you're turning into an alcoholic when you don't even drink on a regular basis? Perhaps some of my friends who had alcoholic parents know this feeling. The hate and desire all seem to blend together. It could happen easily I think.

I need to go to school.

Comments

[water-damage.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about turning into an alcoholic too, and I'm not drinking daily. It's just that alcohol is more and more appealing.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's it. I find that I want to drink. I wonder if I'm just sick of always being so tightly in control. I find myself doing a lot of reckless stuff these days.

Though maybe it's because I read that gin was an aphrodisiac for Geminis. ;)

Re:

[water-damage.livejournal.com]

:-D For me it's wine

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

It seems when life hands us things we don't want or can't control anything reckless to take the mind off seems appealing.

Sort of similar to slicers: they cut themselves on the outside to stop feeling the inside.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Never heard the term slicers before. Is there an accepted general term for that, I wonder?

In some ways this is the hardest year of school in my life. I really wish it was over with already.

Re:

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm sure if that is the correct term. I think I watched that term used on ER just last week or something .. I recall that term sounding new to me, also. I could have the wrong word, of course.

Isn't this your last year? It'll be over before your know it. Are you going to continue with higher education afterwards?

At our moment things seem slow but when they are over we'll realize they flashed by.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I've just heard a number of terms, and never really knew if one was generally accepted. Seems to depend on who is talking.

Yes, last year provided I don't screw up my required courses. I think I can still pull it off. Damn science classes. And yes, I'm going to continue the fun into grad school. :)

Re:

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

Ah, you should be fine with your classes. :> I like science. *grins* Of course, we're talking like bio's and geo's, etc. Not chemistry. Of course, I'd probably like that too if I took a course in it.

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[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Science and I just get along too well. Especially if serious math is involved. :P I'm more comfortable with the theories. But astronomy gives me nightmares.

Re:

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

Do you mean DON'T get along well?

[zombiechu.livejournal.com]

actually, drinking frequently is not a sign of alcoholism. It's why the person chooses to drink and whether they have the ability to control how much they drink once they've started that determines it. But I'm sure you're not an alcoholic.
You've been on my mind lately. I hope things work out.

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

This is very true. It is perhaps that I want to drink that really bothers me.

But thank you.