fish slipping through the water

"Fishing is much more than fish... It is the great occasion when
we may return to the fine simplicity of our forefathers."
-- Herbert Hoover, 31st U.S. president

I always liked fishing with my grandparents. It was fun and it meant spending time with them. When I was eight, I spent the whole summer with them, going through Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico. It is one of my happiest memories.

"People who've had happy childhoods are wonderful, but they're
bland... An unhappy childhood compels you to use your imagination to
create a world in which you can be happy. Use your old grief.
That's the gift you're given."
-- Baron Patrick Maynard Stuart Blackett

I think I did a lot of that. Any kid who is more friendly with books than people probably does. Perhaps if I wasn't in the habit of periodically destroying my notebooks, I would know. That is the greatest advantage of this livejournal. I can not reach in and set it on fire without destroying my computer. The delete key does not feel complete. It is relatively safe.

"The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and
children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the
sea engulfs us and the light goes out."
-- James Baldwin

I've been trying to remember the last time I saw my parents touch each other. When was the last time I saw them hug? It scares me that I can't remember. Perhaps the last time I saw my parents close to each other was the night my sister attacked my mother, and I had to call 911. Later I had to call my father and scream at him to come home, that Mom needed someone. When I left my mom was asleep sitting next to my father on the couch. That was 1999.

I should go do normal things, like take care of my car, go outside, etc. It looks nice out there. Maybe I can go swimming.

so much to say and no way to say it all again

I made lemonade today. I find it satisfying, for some reason. Maybe it is the sound of the lemons squishing. The sun stayed out in a bright blue sky, and a black cat slept on my porch. There are chocolate covered marzipan bars in my fridge. Letters came today, one from the church and two from Patrick. I should write a letter.