(no subject)

One stack of paper for the new apartment application. One stack of paper for my astronomy homework. One stack of paper for Czech homework.

I finished the Novak book last night, or rather very early this morning. Fast read, perhaps because the writing was so engaging. It intensified my longing for Prague.

Next month we're having a conference on Czech food here at the University. Professor P. got the idea for this almost two years ago, when she went to a conference in Canada. So we will have speakers on Czech literature & food, restaraunts in the Muicipal building in Prague, and possibly on food & opera. I'm excited about Otto Urban's talk on the Municipal building. In the afternoon we will tour a local Czech brewery and learn about the beer making process. Professor P. is bringing in an excellent Czech chef to create a dinner for us in the evening.

Another wonderful day. It's 77 degrees out right now. I think I shall take a walk.

it is the way it is

Why is it that every time I've talked to my mother this week I've gotten off the phone wanting to slit my wrists? I just do not understand why she behaves this way around me, sometimes so kind sometimes so cruel. It's not like I am any kind of burden to her, I've taken care of myself for years. I don't ask for anything. Okay, today I asked for a phone number. Such a terrible thing for me to do. Not all at like my dear sister, she of the felony conviction, assaults and drug habits. No, I think I must be the bad daughter who goes to college and pays her bills, the daughter who had to take care of everyone while the family fell apart over and over again. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying to be more mature than my mother, sick of having to be strong for everyone who can't deal. I don't want my parents to talk to me about why they hate each other now, why they want the divorce, why they can't be happy with each other anymore. I don't want to hear this please, please don't say anything else to me. Don't ask me for anymore. I've given so much already. I've tried and tried. Nothing works and nothing gets fixed and things just keep coming down. Don't treat me like this. I am not your friend or whatever you think I am. I am your daughter and it is not my responsibility to take your pain and deal with it. I've said "I'm sorry" too many times, and I've taken the blame, the burden, the pain, taken everything on myself. Because I had some misguided idea that love meant I took care of you, that I took it all. Because I thought I had to be strong enough for everyone but myself. Don't ask me for this anymore, because I can't give you enough. I'm so close to just walking away and not looking back.