it is the way it is

[threeplusfire]

Why is it that every time I've talked to my mother this week I've gotten off the phone wanting to slit my wrists? I just do not understand why she behaves this way around me, sometimes so kind sometimes so cruel. It's not like I am any kind of burden to her, I've taken care of myself for years. I don't ask for anything. Okay, today I asked for a phone number. Such a terrible thing for me to do. Not all at like my dear sister, she of the felony conviction, assaults and drug habits. No, I think I must be the bad daughter who goes to college and pays her bills, the daughter who had to take care of everyone while the family fell apart over and over again. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying to be more mature than my mother, sick of having to be strong for everyone who can't deal. I don't want my parents to talk to me about why they hate each other now, why they want the divorce, why they can't be happy with each other anymore. I don't want to hear this please, please don't say anything else to me. Don't ask me for anymore. I've given so much already. I've tried and tried. Nothing works and nothing gets fixed and things just keep coming down. Don't treat me like this. I am not your friend or whatever you think I am. I am your daughter and it is not my responsibility to take your pain and deal with it. I've said "I'm sorry" too many times, and I've taken the blame, the burden, the pain, taken everything on myself. Because I had some misguided idea that love meant I took care of you, that I took it all. Because I thought I had to be strong enough for everyone but myself. Don't ask me for this anymore, because I can't give you enough. I'm so close to just walking away and not looking back.

Comments

Hang in there

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what this feels like, dear. My brother sapped all of my parents' energy and time for years...seemed like the slightest bother from me was just too much to bear for them. It's strange to finally see our parents as less than perfect, and sometimes just not very nice people. My nosy advice to you is just to lay low until you can let them know how you feel...or just take a break from them for a while until you get yourself settled with all the upheaval. Also, on a brighter note...let me know when you are leaving for Europe so I can figure out a time beforehand to come up there and drag you for some coffee and girltalk. : )

Re: Hang in there

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I think perhaps I will pretend to be an orphan for a few months. At least until the summer when I come back from Europe. I leave on May 26th, so there is much available time for coffee and girltalk. :) hurrah! Send me email to let me know what times are good for you.

Thank you for all the advice. It helps, it really does.