(no subject)

You are a traditionalist Catholic

You wish the church would revive the time-honored customs and strong institutional
discipline that prevailed before the Second Vatican Council. Your favorite hymn is probably
"Immaculate Mary," your favorite pope is Pius X, and your idea of a great Catholic movie is "The Bells of St. Mary's."
_______________________________
Pretty good for growing up atheist. Hah!
Though my favorite Pope is definitely John Paul II. My favorite hymn is "I Am The Bread of Life." And I do love my priests. They are such wonderful men. It makes me a little wistful, that I can't grow up to be just like them. Because they are the kind of priests who would inspire such a feeling.

there is so much to say

I woke up this morning. You might as well be gone, being so far away that I can't see or touch or cry out to you. This leaving, this emptiness, this empty apartment you will never come back to. How many times I waited here on Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, for you to knock on the door even though you had a key. We talked about your grandmother on the balcony, and I felt so guilty that day because we had been making love while she was dying.

Remember when I asked you to run away, the first time in your driveway? Remember when the police chased out of the golf course parking lot, and my hands were shaking too hard to drive home. Remember how we would stay out all night, or up all night later, somewhere. That highway drive I will never make again, the one I could do in twenty minutes if I had too, speeding a little and cutting through the back roads.

I can't believe you're gone this time. It seems harder than before. I wonder if you had that little black and gold box in your pocket when we fought in IHOP on Friday night. You must have been carrying it the entire time. I keep seeing a ghost, a flash of light when I turn my head too fast. God, why is it this way? Of all the people in the world, you would think we would merit a second chance, the time and the place to start our lives over, why isn't it us?

I can feel my eighteen year old heart, the one that would scream out for blood in this moment. And my twenty year old heart that feels too old to know what to do. A ridiculous thing, to feel so damn old so seriously when one is twenty. All I want to do is crawl into the shower and back to bed, go nowhere else at all for a time.

Curled up in this chair, eating Indian food out of a styrofoam container and drinking ginger ale. My stomach hurts, my head hurts. I don't even really remember the dreams, just the copper numbers on the doors. It doesn't feel like Tuesday. There is a brief moment of sunlight, and I watch the wind shake the trees.

(no subject)

Windy day. Too windy to fly a kite.

I'm sitting here adding numbers over and over, trying to figure out how to make everything work. I must put together the money to fly to Montana and see Rose in May. I'd like to see her again, and see the strange place that is Montana.

The apartment is quieter than before. I think about all the times Patrick was ever here, every fight every kiss every time. Almost three years. Pretty long for a relationship. Long time to feel so unresolved. There is a part of me that wanted so much to say yes, to wear that ring, to make that commitment. The last thing I ever expected to want was a marriage.

Part of me is still uncertain, and scared. The situation with my parents has shaken me. I always believed that they loved each other, and it seems that I was wrong. I always thought that would be there, that their marriage was a genuiune one and would last. Watching the divorce go through, and hearing the harshness in their voices now leaves me cold. I'm struggling to make some kind of sense of it, so that I can move away. Because it shouldn't affect me as much as it does. It hurts, and it is damaging my faith in people.

We'll see, we'll see.

a little bit

Not getting much done. I should go over the cases, drill the grammar into me so I don't make mistakes when it comes to irregular nouns. Tonight, maybe the numbers, ordinal and cardinal and adjectival. Those grammar words don't look so bad in Czech.

Townsend teaches out of a book from 1944. Scary.

I'm on the other cd to the set. Slinky Planet Moscow is good. I think I would listen to this all the time if I had a portable cd player. Today I've eaten a half dozen little navel oranges, sweet bright orange fruit. I want to eat the chocolate bunny in my fridge.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I hope you're okay.

(no subject)

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial
ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."
-- Ogden Nash