(no subject)

[threeplusfire]

Windy day. Too windy to fly a kite.

I'm sitting here adding numbers over and over, trying to figure out how to make everything work. I must put together the money to fly to Montana and see Rose in May. I'd like to see her again, and see the strange place that is Montana.

The apartment is quieter than before. I think about all the times Patrick was ever here, every fight every kiss every time. Almost three years. Pretty long for a relationship. Long time to feel so unresolved. There is a part of me that wanted so much to say yes, to wear that ring, to make that commitment. The last thing I ever expected to want was a marriage.

Part of me is still uncertain, and scared. The situation with my parents has shaken me. I always believed that they loved each other, and it seems that I was wrong. I always thought that would be there, that their marriage was a genuiune one and would last. Watching the divorce go through, and hearing the harshness in their voices now leaves me cold. I'm struggling to make some kind of sense of it, so that I can move away. Because it shouldn't affect me as much as it does. It hurts, and it is damaging my faith in people.

We'll see, we'll see.

Comments

[jengirl.livejournal.com]

I don't recall if he lived w/ you or not.

Would you be happy just being w/ and living w/ him for the rest of your life? Whether you two get married or not? If there is any doubt, then its good to put the relationship on hold.

Thats all that matters. "Marriage" itself shouldn't matter. Don't stress about committment.

Of course, I may not understand the situation fully.

learning not to stress

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

No we never lived together. He did spend a lot of time in my apartment though. ;)

It's funny how one changes. At one point in my life, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to be. Here I am now, almost the opposite of that. Marriage, that kind of commitment was the last thing I ever expected to want. Much less a marriage in the Catholic church. It takes some getting used to.

There are times when I think, all I want is this. I want to wake up beside him, I want to grow old with him. Times when i think I might kill him if I lived with him because he leaves cups of coffee all over the house and drinks them hours later. I suppose a bit of that is normal. Everyone has quirks.

I feel uncertain right now, because it feels like there is so much happening so quickly in my life. Watching my parents split up, dealing with my sometimes fragile faith, getting ready to go to Prague, knowing I will have my BA next spring and wondering what I'm going to do next. I want to make some decisions, and make them carefully before I make that very important decision about him.

Re: learning not to stress

[jengirl.livejournal.com]

It definately sounds like you have a lot going on! Growing up with a parent attitude that "marriage sucks", I never wanted to get married... I was very adamantly against it. However, when I met my current bf, I all-of-a-sudden pictured myself marrying him. And, believe me, he wasn't my first bf or anything! He was just the one.

He is also Hebrew and I don't have a particular "faith". Its hard trying to be supportive of his religious beliefs.

Yes, quirks are normal. You'll find many more (if you haven't all ready!). *smiles* Its just weighing the good and the bad. And learning to be 100% honest and open to eachother. Even that takes long-term practice. If you haven't been by now, though, that could be a bad sign.

Are you being pressured to make this decision? I would want to wait on the whole idea until after you get your BA and get situation. Is it a decision that can wait that long? I mean, is it a "marry me or I'm leaving" kinda thing?

Re: learning not to stress

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Heh, I have a list of quirks that drive me mad! First off, those socks.... :P

No, actually the pressure is off now I think. We talked a lot, and were brutally honest last week. It helped. It helped so much just to be in the same room. We have strange communication issues. Our worldviews, the ways we use the language are just so different that we can use the exact same words and still not understand each other. We're working on it. It's made worse by being so far apart.

But we've agreed to back off a little, so that we can both have some space over the coming months to deal with our lives and think about what we want. I hope it works.

Re: learning not to stress

[jengirl.livejournal.com]

I hope so, too. Good Luck. :>

[raindog.livejournal.com]

Where in Montana are you going?

Re:

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about heading up to Bozeman, little lost town in Big Sky Country.