Easter

The Easter Vigil completes things for me. For one, this year, I am now fully a part of my church. I feel at home there, in a way I don't feel even with my family. I belong there, even with people I've never seen before. Though I like to see the familiar faces, the people who helped me through RCIA. When I come back from Prague, I am going to sponsor someone for the next year. Perhaps they will let me work with someone who is coming from a background similar to mine. It would be nice to know there are other atheists out there who became Catholic. I want to be a part of that process.

The culmination of RCIA and Lent is the Easter Vigil, and it is the most beautiful service. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I watched Father Elmer baptize people and I remembered how cold that water was last year. There was another woman with a baby, and one who had announced that morning that she is pregnant. With the new church came the new baptismal font. It's almost like a tomb or a coffin, about five feet deep with steps cut into the stone. Father Elmer loves anything that involves holy water, especially when he can wade down into it. Quite a thing to see, these people rising up out of the water into a new life.

Happy Easter everyone.

"Peace be with you."

Patrick wrote something interesting in his journal about the gathering of people. It seemed to go alongside what I was thinking about this morning. That I'm always so afraid somehow of people. I am afraid of connections, because so often those connections have wounded me. I'm still afraid everytime I walk into the church. But the moment comes when we rise to say the Our Father, and we all join hands. Tentatively, I take the hands of the people beside. Often I'm on the end of a pew, so I have to step into the aisle to join two rows of people. I worry that my hands will shake, and always it seems one person's hand is cold and the other's is warm. I think about my own hands. It is a beautiful moment, to hear the church pray together. I watch the crucifix above the altar, half expecting Christ to step down and join hands with us. The prayer ends and we step back to our places in the pews, and I am still half nervous. Then Father offers us the sign of peace, and we turn to each other to shake hands or hug. In this moment, my world changes. The people I turn to are so welcoming, so genuine in their handshakes and smiles. So many times I've been hugged unexpectedly, or tapped on the shoulder by someone who recognized me and wanted to say "Peace be with you." In this moment I lose my fear, and I feel at home in the church in a way I've never felt before.

That is one of the things I love about the Mass. No matter where I go, from cathedrals to renovated office space, to little rooms to country churches, that moment is always waiting for me.
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In a cathedral in Paris, five years ago next month, I stood awestruck on the stone floor. For the first time in my life I attempted to pray while I sat in a pew. I was sixteen, on my first trip away from my family and America. I remember looking at my friend Kyle, who had been in my French class since seventh grade. I said something like, "You know, if I was ever going to be religious I would have to be Catholic because they have the most amazing buildings I've ever seen."

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We ate brunch at La Madeline today. Since Karen and Melynda don't go to church, we upheld more secular Easter traditions. I ate spinach quiche, a potato galette, and strawberries romanoff. We dyed Easter eggs too, which was fun. Except that I didn't know what to do with them afterwards. I can't eat that many hardboiled eggs.

Ate a chocolate Easter bunny too, that someone insisted I keep. For the record, it went well with the wine.

Where are Mulder & Scully tonight? Why am I not packing more boxes? Why am I on my second pepper jack cheese sandwich? I wish I knew.

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the wind is rising, the clouds are coming, and I miss you so damn much right now... why can't we just be together tonight, why am I leaving this place, why why why...