she knows it is only radio

Decided that without a computer I can not function anymore. That too much of my life is disrupted.

So I will have to get one before the end of the month.

Standing beside my mother on the street, the darkness coming down and the cats in the yard, the way the sky seemed lighter behind us, shades of blue, my mother's voice talking about how being strong isn't really such a magic quality, it's just there and something you have to do. I willed myself to remember it all, digging the edge of my car key into my palm, as if the pain could seal it inside me. Because I want to remember this forever.

We talked a lot this evening. I have a dress to wear to Natalie's wedding now, something basic and pretty. So many times, wearing my mother's dresses to dances and dates and things that required something other than bluejeans.

I ache inside.

Don't think I read these psychology books to get better. I'm just loooking for ideas.

Reading, studying for an astronomy exam at noon, drinking gin with ginger ale and lime juice, eating a cookie. This is where I am tonight.

remember

Roko, 60 years old. Washed windows at the north tower of the World Tade Center since 1975. Emigrated from Macedonia to America.

One more life, one more world. The stuff of stars, blowing in the wind.

It's Thursday night at Ground Zero.