you know she's dreaming

I often wake up with my jaw clenched. Usually I don't notice it til I try to yawn, just how hard I'm holding it together. I suppose it's due to the increasingly violent and strange character of my dreams.

But this morning it was something else, much worse. Due to my odd position, my left forearm was completely numb. I picked it up with my other hand and it felt like the arm of someone else. Like a dead person's arm.

If I talk about it much, they just look at me strangely.

I stayed up late last night talking to Melynda and smoking cigarettes on the balcony. The feeling I get is one I don't know how to describe without sounding overwrought or ridiculous. So let us just say that I treasure those moments.

Is it strange to wonder if you're turning into an alcoholic when you don't even drink on a regular basis? Perhaps some of my friends who had alcoholic parents know this feeling. The hate and desire all seem to blend together. It could happen easily I think.

I need to go to school.

it feels like summer outside

"You're so beautiful
You're so beautiful
Today..."

I want someone who will say that to me, not every day, not just when I'm sad, or just because they know I want to hear it. I want someone to honestly look at me and say "You're so beautiful today" just when it happens.

Listening to that on the radio, right after U2's "Beautiful Day." The urge to just keep driving, all the way down to Mexico, was so strong. All the way to the bus stop I considered just leaving, taking off. Much more seriously than normal. I don't know why I didn't go. Or why I feel so out of control.

Reading the chapter half an hour before taking the test is probably not the best thing to do. But I made a decent score so it's alright.

Talked with Clock for a little while in Metro, about school and life and how damn weird people are.

Found something I wrote a long long time ago, when the world was still new to me. I'm tempted to put it up in here, without changing the flaws. Because I still have a fondness for it, and I know what it all means.