there is nothing left to say

Just. Stop.

The world inside me keeps me apart. I would give a lot to know just how it is people see me, what they experience from the other side. Because I've realized so much of what I do just doesn't translate.

Like knowing someone for years and not truly knowing. Understanding proves so elusive.

How well can you see me? How well do you know who and what I am? Not just the trivia that makes up pop quizzes, or how long I've had these boots on, or what movie makes me cry. How well can you see why I move the way I do? Do you understand the altered vocabulary in my head, how the meanings and nuances are shifted?

I don't expect anyone to. It's like asking someone to become something completely different. Now I just hope for a good translation.

Because you aren't here, you aren't here when I am myself. ...I think she's just pieces of me you've never seen...

I am discovering how to live with myself.

grocery store

Spent too much money in the store tonight, but it seems worth it. My grandmother will be here soon and if there was no food in my home she would be worried. I bought myself things I usually deny myself because of cost or time. Right now I'm eating tuna with rice and soy sauce. Tomorrow I will make quiche with spinach.

There are 18lbs of oranges in my fridge. I couldn't resist them for $5. Lately I've added a nice Nabokovian element to my life, by eating oranges for dinner almost every day. My coworkers must think I'm a little weird.

Work wasn't too harsh today. Liane and I have cleaned up the entire kid's section and redone the displays. It looks quite nice now, and I think we are both pleased with our efforts. I learned this evening that when the new person starts I won't have to do photography, architecture, biography, poetry and mythology. Instead I will have the health section. This takes my workload down some, so I can expend more energy in cooking, gardening and kids during the holiday season.

My horoscope for Thursday is interesting:
Your ideals are defined by the things that you hate right now. Try to think of yourself as the sculptor who looks at a block of stone and sees the inner statue begging to be set free. If you want to be able to move ahead without any unnecessary baggage, now is the time to admit a mistake to someone close to you. Friends and coworkers should be more than willing to forgive you when the Moon is in its current Sign.