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I've now been up for something close to fourty hours straight, and it is the weirdest damn feeling. I haven't done this in a couple years at least. Experiencing interesting auditory hallucinations that include a running soundtrack of music, and strange beeps and various things. My vision has slowed and become somewhat overlaid with a strange bright relief. It's fading, so I hope I can finally sleep, as I have to be up and functional in less than twelve hours.

There really is nothing more beautiful to me here in Austin than the UT campus on a gorgeous spring day, with students laying around, and the smell of the ground, the water in the fountains, the shadows of the buildings, the trees, the people on the West Mall. The way Calhoun feels inside, the papers taped to the hallway, Hana's office, the basement, everything. It's a home to me.

I spoke to about ten first year Czech students today about the Brno program, and I encouraged them all to go. They seemed nervous but enthused. For less than three grand, they get one of the most awesome study abroad experiences any university offers and there's nothing cheaper than that. Tim might be going along with them, and I so wish that I was too. Afterwards I ate lunch with Hana, and it feels so good to have her not just as a professor and advisor, but as a friend. We can talk about anything, and she helps me think things through, encourages me to do things that make me happy.

Spent my afternoon sucking down caffiene in Metro, which was quite empty. This is the first spring break since 1985 that I have not been in school. I'm mind boggled by that fact.

But you know, I realized today that I am happy as myself. I'm happy, and I never expected to be. It's fucking amazing and strange, and so unexpected. I do not have all the things I want, or whatever, but I'm happy.

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I can't sleep, and I'm vaguely panicky about it, and just in need of someone to sit me down and tell me to just breathe and close me eyes already. But this moment too shall pass and mabye I'll sleep.

Or not. There's the lure of staying awake for days on end.

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Going off to the Little House with Cate. I suppose I'll come back sometime tomorrow.

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Cloudy midrange day. The kind where you just want to lay on the couch, staring out the window. I'm listening to that catchy Evanescence song and taking a break from the painting work we're doing on Cate's bedroom. It's going to look very cool I think. The color is good, sort of smokey purple grey and very soft.

I love coming here. It feels like a home, and it feels like I fit here in the house.

Cate and I have also solved pressing problems for each other, through a stroke of luck. Suddenly, one of the main stresses of my life is eliminated, and I'm positively gleeful about implementing the solution.

Sometimes, all you need to do is drive and remember that life is good. Eat at Sonic on a Saturday when the carhop girls are wearing poodle skirts.