too tired to care to cut this. I have no censor now.

Czech play this evening, and a grand thing it was, with singing and silly things by Jara Cimrman. Who is something magic in the Czech lands, something unreal. The party afterwards at Craig's was as debauched as ever, right up til the police showed up at the door. Funny, I've never been at a party where the police have shown up before. Otto, wonderous Otto , was there and I'm sad because I'll miss the birthday party for his little girl Justina in May. But his book has been published and he invited me to come to the presentation, so I will see him again before he goes home. He told me so many things, stories and things from his life and art. About living wiht Pavlina, and his children and the cathedral in his village with a floor that Jan Hus walked over.

Hana told stories about the bodies of people killed by the Russian mob floating to the top of the dam by the land she has in the Czech Republic, and Otto showed me tricks with my Zippo, and Keith and Craig danced in entirely innappropriate ways to bad rap music, and there was a lot of casual nudity and the utter insanity that characterizes out every interaction involving alcohol. Shortly after the police came, I drove home with Gene in my passenger seat.

I realized all over again, thanks to the comments made by Otto and others along with my own quiet observation, how utterly lost I am. In the car, coming home with Nightwish so loud I've probably done damage to my speakers, it was clear and bright like summer stars. The music in my head doesn't stop, even now, and I don't know if I should sing or cry. I am too tired to light another cigarette and go outside.

I love him. I love him terribly, deeply, out of my mind sort of love. The kind where you imagine you would walk on glass to hell and back for someone because it twists inside you like something alive, like a knife plunged all the way down through ribs and muscle right into my heart. I love him, and there is nothing to be done about it. Everything I do, all these ill-fated experiments with pretending it does not matter, all of it comes to naught. I love him, and I wish that he would love me, even if we could never do anything to have a life together.

And yes, that sounds so pathetic and stupid and girlish, and I never wanted it to be that. I shouldn't, but gods above and below me, I swear it is beyond my power to change. It just is, and I will learn to live with that, come what may.

If I were brilliant I would write poems or books. But instead I will wash my face, and cry a little in the shower to take the edge off this headache, and fall into bed saying only, miluju te Evzen, I love you, all the days of this mortal life.

10:43am, I want a horse

I am beginning to think I have some strange curse. For days on end now, every time I wake up it's 10:43am.

I dreamed last night, those painfully vivid dreams. About Hana and Keith taking us to the Czech Republic, and this castle on a cliff with a long path and the curving valley. There were horses, like the horses of Rohan but they were all white like Shadowfax. They moved liked ghosts, guarding the place against what I do not know. Everyone assumed Gene and I were on our honeymoon, and I remember arguing in French with Keith in a little cafe, and Otto buying box after box of cigarettes.

All I want to do right now is go back to sleep, even as beautiful as the day is. I could use a serious span of time alone, but that won't happen. Bad enough I wanted to cry last night, but to wake up and cry for all the damned things that are not in the world.

Maybe I will just go buy soda. My head still aches.

so it goes

After all these ridiculous posts I should have the sense to lock down somehow, but I have this utterly fatalist streak sometimes. I just don't bloody care right now.

I have an answer, and while it is not the one I would have preferred, it is an answer. So I go on, and I will sing songs to myself in the empty apartment because it makes it easier to let it out, and later when I finish my little crying jag I will get up and move on with life.

I hate my horoscope sometimes. Even though it echoes the things a good friend of mine said to me on the phone. I'd rather have my ass kicked by a friend than my horoscope. I am quite lucky in my friends, really.

G R E E T I N G S Gemini
Some things just aren't meant to be understood in their entirety. You
can spend all day interpreting the rules and still never come close
to the realities. Live in the moment instead of losing yourself in
the possibilities. It's best to spend your time in the present as
much as possible. Thinking about the past or future only brings
frustration. Tonight, the only way to get where you want to be is to
start walking.