bright white sunlight

I'm having one of those days where I feel so out of sorts and pained that I want to abandon everything I own and drive away.

Hopefully I can get the pies safely to Bryan. We can leave work in about two hours and run home for things. I'm sure there will be a lot of food this evening. It's weird to me, because Alan's family seems to do everything the day before the actual holiday because it is such a big family I suppose? I don't know. Doing stuff the day before makes it not feel right to me. Alan wants to spend Christmas with his parents and I'm less than thrilled. We went to Bryan last year, and they open all their presents on Christmas Eve! I am sure this is traditional with many families. But it felt wrong, weird and a bit disappointing to be opening presents in the middle of the night on Christmas eve. I missed the fire, the darkness and warmth and smell of pine from my mom's house. I missed waking up with excitement on Christmas morning to eat candy and drink good coffee and unwrap presents so the cats can play with the paper and ribbons. in my mind, that is how Christmas works. I understand why he thinks we need to be there, because of his grandfather's death. But there's also the fact that my grandparents are coming to Texas for the holidays and my grandmother has been very ill this year. I want to see them, and spend as much time as I possibly can with them. I've had a difficult year, and I really want my traditional Christmas. I can deal with giving up Thanksgiving because that was never a big holiday in my family to start with. My father inevitably disappeared to hunt, and my mother was not always inspired to cook.

I really don't want to be around people right now. Everything aches. I'm in pain and I feel like I am coming down with some illness.