this is real

I had my first suicidal caller today, about two hours ago. It was an older woman who just wanted to die. She felt her life was hopeless, and that all the people who loved her were gone. Her daughter died, and her son was murdered, and she had nowhere to go.

My hands shook so badly when she first wailed it out. I spent nearly an hour on the line, until law enforcement arrived. Someone sat with me, and I had supervisors running around trying to track down the address and get the police out immediately.

It was terrifying.

I should be glad that I was able to talk to her. I should be glad that I got things rolling so she can help. But I still feel sick to my stomach. I had the life of a stranger in my hands for that hour, it felt like and I was so afraid that she would hang up.

tracing

I've had time to move away from what happened this morning. The supervisor and my coworker told me that I did very well with the call. I wonder where she is now, and if she has a safe place to be tonight.

I just talked to her. I asked her about her grandchildren, about her children, about her. I told her I didn't want her to die, and I didn't want her to be on the streets. I told her that she was the best kind of parent, and that we needed more people like her in the world. I told her that she had done all the right things, the best things she could do for her daughter. This woman watched her daughter die. She felt like all the people who loved her were gone.

My hands shook so hard that I could barely type. After I spoke to the police officer, I went to throw up and smoke too many cigarettes. It was so bright and sunny outside.

The Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab updated their site with the special Springtime in Arkham line. It is the coolest thing ever. Everything inspired by Lovecraft, everything sounds amazing. I want them all.

I am so sad, so tired, and my phone is out of batteries.

(no subject)

I decided that if I didn't deserve the relief of responsibility today, then I never would. So I splurged on more BPAL goodness. I ordered the special Limited Edition Mi-Go blend, Tulzscha, and seven delightful imps- Suspiro, Laudanum, Black Phoenix, Somnus, Aizen-Myoo, Muse and Lady of Shallot.

Mi-Go Brain Canister (Special Lovecraft Blend) - In an effort to create a pleasing environment during a surprise trip to Yuggoth, we have created a soothing yet stimulating blend of pink pepper, peony, jasmine, mango, kiwi, pomegranate, pineapple, white ginger, serene white tea and light musks. Bon voyage!

Tulzscha - A crystalline, cold green fire: six mints with white pepper and cucumber.

They both sound so delightful. I'm excited. There are ten other Arkham scents including a Miskatonic University scent that I will have to buy. I would like to smell like the library.