If you've known me for any length of time, it's fairly well documented that I don't like most mainstream romantic comedies. I think the majority of them are poorly contrived and ridiculous. They are overly sentimental in the most banal way possible. We all know the truth of the matter and that in truth so many things don't work out.
I found myself on the sofa this afternoon watching love actually. Over the years I've watched an absurd number of movie just because Alan Rickman or Gary Oldman happen to be in the cast. This one was better though, and I was surprised. Because it is about love, but there's nothing that rings as false or sugar coated. Not all of it works out the way Hollywood stories are supposed to do. It's charming though, and it feels effortless. It's hard to explain I suppose, other than it made me happy. Everyone's looking for love, in hesitation and in doubt. There was happiness to it, even when it wasn't what you expected to see.
There's a part of me that is terrified of dating again. It's heart breaking to be twenty five and divorced, brutal to have to say that your vows didn't make it and things didn't end happily ever after. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to make that leap again. I mean, what the hell do I say about that. There's so much uncertainty to it, and disconnect with how I handle it. Sometimes I'm so angry and hurt for it, and sometimes it makes me sad for him. I keep hearing that Blue October song on the radio, and I wish that it was that simple. It makes me crazy, and that's the worst part.
I am always singing along with the radio, but I'm the only person listening to the words. I'm singing those songs to someone, but you never do notice. I don't know what it says about me that I can't let that go, even when I know it doesn't do a damn bit of good.
Part of me wants to get the rebound fuck up out of the way as quickly as possible. We know it could happen, and I just want it over so that when I make the choice I'll know it isn't a rebound fuck up. I'm just so scared of that. I remember years ago, the rebound date and the disasterous month and the heart that I broke in my foolishness and pride. I don't want to go that road again. If I do this again, I want it to be the right thing and I don't want there to be that question of how together I am in the heart and the head. I don't want it to be just loneliness. It all makes it hard to trust anything I feel now. I'm so focused on not letting my emotions run my head that I can't even deal with having them right now.
Maybe I should get outside for a bit and clear my head. All this cough syrup with codeine perhaps has addled me.
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